There are three primary ways to see somebody’s level of confidence:
What they do, what they say and what their body language and behavior indicates.
When it comes to the kinds of things men say when they lack self-confidence, there are a number of phrases many of us have heard before that will ring a bell.
These low self-esteem and low self-confidence phrases all share something in common:
Self-doubt.
They tend to create a self-fulfilling prophecy also, filtering the world and events through a disempowering lens.
That’s why it’s so helpful to examine what some of these common phrases are in order to help ourselves as men or help a man we know who may say some of these things.
Let’s get started:
1) “I don’t know if I can do this.”
Men who lack self-confidence tend to doubt their own ability.
When faced with a challenge, confusing situation or difficult patch in a relationship, they voice their own fears.
Being intimidated by a task or situation is normal, of course. But voicing a doubt in one’s own ability should be rare.
Sadly, for the guy who doesn’t believe very strongly in himself, such statements are very frequent.
2) “Is that good enough?”
At work, in their personal life and in their daily interactions, men who lack self-confidence tend to people-please.
They “check in” on whether they are living up to somebody else’s standards quite frequently when it’s not even necessary.
“You may try to please people instead of being your authentic self and pursuing what brings you joy and pleasure.”
The subconscious motivation for doing this is to get validation that they are worthy and wanted, but most people start to feel the neediness of these kinds of questions and pull away.
3) “I’m a failure no matter what I do.”
This is a dark statement and I’ve said it a few times myself during times of struggle and self-doubt.
But for a guy who lacks self-confidence, this statement is like a dark cloud that hangs around their head almost all the time.
Even when they’re smiling they feel this underlying sense that they’re cursed and not going to succeed.
It can start to turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy due to confirmation bias.
4) “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
This sense that something is wrong with him is a fear that plagues an insecure man very frequently.
He worries that something just isn’t good enough and that he won’t live up to what life, love and the world requires of him.
As someone who’s struggled for years with the exact same feeling and worked on it a lot in therapy, a big breakthrough came when my therapist pointed out:
“A big part of your problem is believing you have a big problem.”
5) “Are you sure you want to be with me?”
Relationship anxiety is something that can hit any of us hard, but it’s especially common in men with low self-confidence.
Asking if their partner is sure about his or her feelings is a classic move men make when they lack self-confidence.
This is a way to chase validation and try to feel assured that they won’t lose the approval or attraction of the one they love: ironically it often leads to eventually pushing away their partner because of the emotional neediness.
“Insecurity often leads to a deep-seated need for validation and emotional reassurance from their significant other to alleviate their doubts and anxiety,” explains mental health writer Haddi Browne.
“They may repeatedly ask for verbal affirmations of love and commitment.”
6) “I hate to bother you, but…”
This is a polite statement that will often find its way into “corporate speak” and sedate interactions.
But for a guy who uses this type of phrasing quite often, it betrays a real lack of self-confidence:
It’s essentially a way to hedge bets and be self-effacing.
But in the end the damage of these kinds of framings are not even so much how they make a guy look less self-confident around others, but how they internalize a weak, disempowering mentality inside him.
7) “Um, uh, I guess, maybe, kind of, I dunno…”
These qualifier and pause words are indicative of a real lack of self-confidence.
When a guy says these words a lot, he’s often got a lack of belief in himself or feels hesitant about asserting his own views and priorities.
It is essentially hemming and hawing in order not to be forthright and direct.
People notice this and respond to the insecure man by generally mirroring his own lack of self-confidence and drawing away from him. They don’t believe what he says and they doubt his promises and commitments.
8) “It’s just not worth the trouble.”
Men who lack self-confidence often fall into a passive and almost nihilist mindset.
Phrases like the above are often a way for a man to throw in the towel:
It’s a mixture of discouragement and depressed resignation mixed with a kind of “chill” non-attachment.
But at the heart of this kind of statement is a man who doesn’t really believe in himself or his goals.
As licensed therapist Cheryl A. Clarke, LMFT, says, “folks with low self-esteem also have a tendency to be passive or passive-aggressive instead of standing up for themselves.”
9) “Did you get my text?”
Men who ask this tend to lack self-confidence. They ask somebody they are interested in whether that person received their text.
Women hate this:
If a man texts a woman and she doesn’t respond it’s because she’s busy or not interested. There’s really no way to change the calculus on that except by giving her space.
But a man who lacks confidence and tends to have an anxious attachment style ends up chasing and pushing in order to allay the anxiety he feels that he may not be wanted or being rejected.
In such a way, he sadly often ends up ensuring that he does indeed get rejected.
10) “I just…”
This is another qualifier framing term that weakens everything somebody says.
Men who “just” say the word “just” a lot and “just” think that maybe they should “just” explain more what they mean are…just undermining themselves.
By putting so many frills and weakening “justs” around what he says, a man basically chops out the tree limb he’s standing on from under him and plummets to the ground.
“Each time you use this filler, it diminishes what you think and say,” explains Marla Tabaka.
“If you have a suggestion, idea, or concern, then state it with confidence, rather than diminish it (and yourself).”
11) “It feels like somebody will never like me for who I am.”
This can be a very hard thing to struggle with and most of us have grappled with feelings like this.
But for a man who says this quite a bit, it betrays a real lack of self-confidence.
The fact is that this statement actually contains its own solution:
How anybody else feels about us will never be as important as how we feel about ourselves. For this reason, feeling discouraged that others might not like us for who we are is a choice to give away our power and de-center our well-being.
It’s outsourcing our power and value to others.
12) “I’m not nearly far enough along in my career.”
Career anxiety is another thing that almost everybody struggles with at some point.
But for men who truly doubt their own value or lack self-confidence, career anxiety can reach an obsessive level.
They wonder why they haven’t got further in their career, why they’re not paid more, why they don’t have a more impressive title.
This doubt ends up making them more insecure and even less likely to succeed at their job.
“Men worry about perceptions that their careers are boring and going nowhere. My career coaching clients regularly bring up concerns about the lack of promotion.”
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