10 subtle signs you come across as standoffish (even if you don’t mean to be)

How approachable are you?

It’s a question that can come up from time to time when reflecting on how we come across to others. 

There are certain behaviors that can make you come across as standoffish even when you don’t intend them to. 

Let’s take a look at signs others may feel you’re standoffish or detached even if you don’t intend to come across that way.

1) You don’t usually make much eye contact 

Eye contact isn’t easy for all of us, especially those of us who may struggle with self-image or self-esteem. 

If you’re somebody who doesn’t make much prolonged eye contact then you know what I’m talking about. 

You may feel great about yourself also but just find too much eye contact kind of awkward. 

Sometimes this can be taken the wrong way, and overly avoiding eye contact can be perceived as aloofness or disinterest.

That right balance of making eye contact can be hard to find. 

A good rule of thumb known as the 50/70 rule is given by Michigan State University’s Extension Children and Youth Institute Director Jodi Schulz: 

“To maintain appropriate eye contact without staring, you should maintain eye contact for 50 percent of the time while speaking and 70% of the time while listening.”

Sign others find this standoffish: they also start looking away or darting back and forth in their eye contact.

2) You have reserved and closed off body language 

Crossing arms, hunching shoulders, or leaning away from others can signal a lack of openness.

You may not mean it this way at all, but this is how it can come off to people whether you mean it to or not. 

They think that your more reserved and held back body language is a sign of discomfort with them or even dislike of them. 

It may not be this at all, but closed off body language can certainly come off this way. 

Sign others find this standoffish: their body language mirrors yours, also becoming closed off and awkward, or they disengage from the interaction with you. 

3) You tend not to be the conversation-starter

You may prefer to be a listener and let other people lead the way on conversations and interactions. 

You’re not much of a conversation starter and you would rather that other people take charge and talk about what’s on their mind.

However, waiting for others to approach you first can be perceived as standoffishness.

Sign others find this standoffish: they stop starting conversations with you and seem hurt or confused by your lack of starting conversations (online / texting or in-person). 

4) You give short responses and speak concisely

If you tend to speak quite succinctly and give short responses, this can sometimes come off as standoffish. 

People who are more talkative and verbose may interpret your brevity as unfriendliness or disinterest. 

Responding with brief answers without elaborating can be interpreted as disengagement.

In reality, this may just be the way you are and the way you prefer to conduct yourself, but it’s worth keeping in mind unintended ways it can come across. 

Sign others find this standoffish: people seem unsure what to say around you or comment things like “maybe it’s not what you’re into,” and similar things. 

5) You’re not a particularly ‘smiley’ person

Rarely smiling or offering only polite smiles can make others feel like you’re unapproachable.

The truth is that Western and Anglophone culture has a bit too much smiling if you ask me:

People smile all the time when they don’t mean it. 

However, if you rarely smile or only when you’re very close friends or happy, it can make others feel a bit unvalued or like you don’t really want to be around them or talk to them. 

This may not be true, in which case it can be helpful to actually verbalize your desire to connect with someone and your appreciation for them. 

Sign others find this standoffish: they look confused or hurt that you don’t smile and begin interacting less with you and being less friendly towards you. 

6) You genuinely enjoy solitude 

Frequently choosing to be alone rather than engaging with others might make people think you prefer to be alone. 

In some cases you may prefer your own company, which is great and can be quite healthy. 

However in other cases, your more introspective nature and manner can put out a vibe of not wanting to be around other people when you’re actually perfectly open to it. 

Being aware that your happiness when alone can be taken as preferring to be alone is the key. 

Sign others find this standoffish: they see that you’re not feeling a need to keep an interaction going and are happy alone and take that as a rejection instead of what you actually mean by it (which is usually a sort of neutrality). 

7) You usually avoid most physical contact 

Avoiding hugs, handshakes, or other forms of physical contact can create a barrier between you and others.

You may just not be a very touchy-feely person and you might find that physical contact isn’t your cup of tea with most people. 

You may even find that in your relationship you’re a bit lower-key on the physical intimacy side, or you may be averse to PDAs (public displays of affection). 

But it is true that some people will take this the wrong way or feel like your non-touch attitude makes it hard to get to know you or get close to you. 

Sign others find this standoffish: they become awkward around you and start acting over-formal or detached and cold themselves. 

8) You prefer online and text communication 

Choosing digital communication over face-to-face interactions might make others feel like you’re avoiding real connection.

You may not mean it this way at all, and there are valid and deep connections that can be formed online which may be quite meaningful to you.

But when you are laughing at a tweet instead of interacting with the person right next to you at the restaurant table it can definitely make you come across as a bit standoffish. 

Sign others find this standoffish: they act like they feel left out or annoyed by your online friendships and activities. 

9) You check your phone a lot even during social events

Checking your phone frequently during conversations can give the impression that you’re not fully present.

You may need to check your phone for work or be continuing an ongoing interaction, and it’s not inherently rude to check messages when you’re out with somebody. 

However some people do consider it rude and may take it the wrong way as a kind of rejection or standoffish gesture if you check your phone while hanging out with them. 

Sign others find this standoffish: they subtly become less engaged and more downcast or annoyed as they see you checking your phone. 

10) You don’t open up much about your personal life

Refusing to share personal information or experiences can create a sense of distance.

You may just be quite a private person, which is perfectly fine. You’re not sure how much you want to open up about what’s going on with you or your personal information. 

It’s partly that you aren’t sure how you’ll feel about trusting someone on that level. 

“Psychologists note that trust is actually not just a ‘rational decision making process’ but is also strongly affected by our emotions,” notes Dr. Helen Miles.

“For example, when thinking about whom we can trust, we can base our decision to trust another person on how we anticipate we may feel afterwards. Will we feel relieved or positive if our trust is honored, or will we feel embarrassed or angry if it is violated?”

Sign others find this standoffish: they also don’t open up to you and their level of trust in you decreases. 

Ways to appear less standoffish

Realizing these above signs may indicate others find you standoffish can be a great step towards becoming more approachable and open. 

Even if you don’t mean to hang a “we’re closed” sign on yourself, it can come across that way to others when you have the behaviors above and they show signs of finding it standoffish. 

There’s a lot of value in reflecting on how you come across to others and how you want to come across in order to keep improving and find a way to the sorts of relationships you want in life.