Every man experiences bouts of insecurity from time to time. Confidence and self-esteem ebb and flow naturally, and there’s nothing wrong with that.
However, some men grapple with deeper insecurities than others, and they often overcompensate in various ways that are socially destructive and extremely frustrating for those around them.
These insecure men who are overcompensating can be identified through their behaviors and words.
Let’s take a look at how psychology can help us root out the behaviors of insecure men who take out their problems on others.
1) He name drops
When a man is overcompensating for hidden insecurity, he engages in boastful behaviors such as name dropping.
The purpose of name dropping is simple: self-inflation.
As University of Georgia psychology professor W. Keith Campbell explains:
“An individual can look good to others and boost his or her own self-esteem by associating with powerful people.”
By using lots of names of famous and respected people, this man hopes to assure others and himself that he’s one of their peers.
The irony, of course, is that in trying to brag about who he knows and has worked with or met, a man often ends up coming across as an insecure try-hard.
2) He credential drops
On a related note is the behavior of credential dropping or credentialism.
When a man feels he lacks value on a deep inner level, he tries to find outer validation and proof of his own worth.
Mentioning that he has a degree from Oxford or attended a special summer program at Harvard’s extension school gives him a momentary burst of well-being.
Maybe people will finally see that I’m high-value, he thinks. The sad irony, of course, is that “people” isn’t the issue: it’s the man himself who is trying to reassure himself of his value through degree bragging.
3) He boasts about his achievements
Men who are insecure frequently engage in all manner of boasting.
It may be about how luxurious his home is or how his wife is a model. It could be about how he’s doing innovative medical research or recently met a sports star.
The subject is less the point than his desire to inflate himself and prove his worth.
“Bragging is gratuitous. It seeks applause from the audience without offering anything in return.
When braggarts only gratify themselves without creating value for the audience, they should realize that it is time to step on the brakes,” notes Psychology Professor Joachim I. Krueger PhD.
4) He shows off his wealth ostentatiously
Insecure men often cling to wealth and luxury as ways to alleviate their inner doubts.
They try their best to flaunt that wealth and make it visible to others, demonstrating that they are a success and are worth a lot of money.
Not only that, they have taste!
It’s worth considering that there are cultural aspects of this too, however, since it is considered more acceptable and desirable to flaunt wealth a bit in some cultures more so than others.
As Shreyans Goenka and Manoj Thomas write:
“Our research shows that people differ in the degree to which they think ostentatious displays of wealth and luxury are morally wrong, and the acceptability of luxury displays reflects differences in people’s core moral beliefs that vary across societies and cultures.”
5) He always seeks out the social spotlight
Insecure men who are overcompensating often seek out the social spotlight as a way to assure themselves that they are wanted, popular and seen by others.
Whether it’s singing the funniest song at karaoke and getting a big reaction or wearing very eye-catching outfits that everyone notices, the insecure guy hopes to prove to others and himself that he is something special.
He’s not just another guy. And he’s certainly not the loser he secretly feels like inside.
By seeking out the spotlight he hopes to prove that he’s a man of immensely high value and social status.
6) He’s a perfectionist
Overzealous pursuit of perfection is a common trait of a man who feels insecure.
As psychologist and author Hilary Jacobs Hendel, LCSW writes:
“Obsessing about being perfect is the action that takes us away from our emotions and a connection to our body to spare us discomfort and pain. We escape into our obsessive mind.”
The man who doesn’t truly feel a sense of worth will often engage in perfectionist behaviors as a form of self-calming.
By obsessing about getting every detail right, he accomplishes two things:
He occupies his mind with specific goals that promise to assure him he’s good enough, and no matter how well he does it won’t be good enough, ironically reinforcing the self-fulfilling prophecy he has inside that he’s not good enough.
It’s a vicious cycle.
7) He often compares himself to others
Insecure men frequently compare themselves to other people, especially men.
They are hyper-competitive far beyond the realm of being driven or motivated.
It’s not about that, it’s about being “better.”
They can’t seem to stop focusing on the possessions, relationships, looks, respect and social status of other men.
It’s because they simply don’t feel good enough on the inside, so they seek outer metrics to prove to themselves and others that they are worthy.
“When you don’t feel good enough compared to others, it is easy to spiral into self-criticism and self-judgment,” explains psychologist Liz White, DClinPsy, CPsychol.
8) He lashes out at any criticism
Men who are overcompensating for inner insecurity do not take criticism well.
In fact they tend to lash out and get very defensive even when they are given constructive feedback.
The reason is simple:
The criticism makes them worry that all their inner doubts are true. Even when a criticism has been quite mild or very specific and limited, it feeds into this man’s whole inner narrative.
For example if he believes he’s not good looking or desirable to a romantic partner, he may take a comment about looking like he just woke up or looks “wiped out” as evidence that he’s being called ugly in a pejorative way.
9) He crafts a social mask to fit in
Insecure individuals tend to engage in what psychologists call “social masking” or “masking.”
As clinical psychologist Amy Marschall writes:
“‘Masking’ refers to when an individual hides or suppresses symptoms, behaviors, or difficulties they are experiencing.”
In other words, the insecure man tries to overcompensate for his self-doubts and anxieties by pretending to be someone he is not.
When he’s with the “bros,” he’s like them too! He wears his jersey and says “f*ck yeah dude” a lot.
When he’s at the art gallery on a date he acts like an art historian with a degree and a special fascination for Paul Gaugin’s early work.
Deep down, however, he’s just plain insecure and trying to overcompensate by adopting whatever persona he thinks will get him approval and positive feedback.
10) He’s belligerent and seeks out conflict
In certain cases, a man who’s overcompensating for inner doubts will act aggressive and start fights.
He does this as a way to try to assert dominance and validate his self-worth.
By projecting force and getting his way, he hopes to prove to himself and others that he is a manly man who’s worthy of respect and admiration.
He also hopes to assuage any inner doubts he may have about his own value and worth. This often stems from what psychologists refer to as a “father wound” which is where a poor or absent relationship with his father makes a man seek to overcompensate for a lack of inner masculine confidence and stability.
As Professor of Educational Psychology Robert Enright, PhD. writes:
“Fathers, in particular, tend to have a way of damaging confidence when power is involved. Such an emotional wound can severely damage one’s self-image.”
11) He’s an inveterate people pleaser
Conversely, some insecure men go the opposite route from being belligerent and seeking out conflict.
Although they may also be suffering from a “father wound,” they express it by seeking out approval through people-pleasing:
By making sure everybody else is happy and satisfied, this man hopes to have a surge of certainty about his own well-being.
He’s on a never-ending quest to prove to himself that he’s a high-value man who’s worthy of love. Because deep inside he doesn’t feel that at all.
12) He’s in deep denial about his life
Denial is a classic coping mechanism when a man can’t face the truth about his insecurities.
The anxiety that would come from admitting he’s unhappy and unsatisfied with his life or with himself are too much for him to consider.
So he puts on a happy face and says everything’s fine. He knows it’s not, but day after day he tries to convince himself as well as everyone else.
As psychosocial rehabilitation specialist and psychology educator Kendra Cherry, MsEd. explains:
“Denial is a type of defense mechanism that involves ignoring the reality of a situation to avoid anxiety. Defense mechanisms are strategies that people use to cope with distressing feelings.”
