Editor’s note: This article was reviewed and updated in May 2026 to meet The Vessel’s latest editorial standards.
Most breakups take a tremendous toll on us. But sometimes, we manage to actually stay good friends with an ex-partner. The shared history, the familiar comfort — it can be almost impossible to fully break out of each other’s orbit.
Whether getting back together is your goal or something you want to avoid, understanding the patterns that pull people back toward each other is worth paying attention to.
Staying friends is often where those patterns become most visible.
1) Maintaining open communication
When you’re friends with your ex, you have the opportunity to share your innermost thoughts and feelings.
It’s almost as if you’re still in a romantic relationship.
You can call each other and text, or go for a cup of coffee or even dinner and talk about mundane or, better yet, exciting things.
You see, when people break up a long-term relationship, they sometimes get a new lease on life (after the initial shock).
They find life exciting once again. But it’s also terrifying. So having someone close who knows them very well is much needed.
Being this close to each other also results in emotional intimacy. It makes assessing whether there’s still a chance for a romantic reconnection easier.
As can the following:
2) Friends with benefits
I’ve known couples who stayed not only good friends after they broke up, but they even stayed friends with benefits.
They enjoyed the new-found freedom of being single but still yearned for the familiar physical touch of their ex, leading them to still have a strong physical connection.
When you’ve been with someone for a long time, they know how to push your buttons very well in bed.
So even though having a new person in bed is extremely exciting, it’s also true that they don’t know how to rock your world as your ex.
For all these reasons, being a friend with benefits with your ex is a good indicator that you’ll end up back together.
But this time, you’ll have a new appreciation for each other and, hopefully, won’t take each other for granted.
3) Addressing past issues
If you’ve stayed friends with your ex, you can dive deep into the issues that led to the breakup.
When you introspect and discuss, you can both understand what went wrong and what needs to change for a successful reunion.
You see, most of our shortcomings in love stem from our own complicated inner relationship with ourselves. I mean, how can you fix the external without seeing to the internal first?
Rudá Iandê, co-founder of The Vessel, explores this in his Love and Intimacy masterclass — specifically the idea that most difficulties in relationships have roots in the relationship we have with ourselves rather than with the other person. It’s worth exploring if you’re trying to understand what went wrong before attempting to rebuild something.
Forgiveness is liberating because letting go of past grievances and resentment creates a clean slate for your relationship to flourish.
But to forgive, you first have to acknowledge the past. This means both you and your ex need to have an open and honest conversation about what went wrong in your relationship.
It’s important to listen to each other’s perspectives without judgment.
After you’ve addressed your past issues, you can start anew and focus on the present and future rather than dwelling on the past.
4) Building a strong foundation
Some of the best relationships out there started as friendships. That’s because friendship is a solid base for any lasting relationship.
After the breakup, rebuilding a strong, platonic connection can lay the groundwork for a more stable and fulfilling romantic partnership.
Engage in shared activities and experiences. Doing things you both enjoy can rekindle the joy and excitement you once had as a couple.
It’s a great way to create new, positive memories together.
For example, a trip that’s somewhat out of your comfort zone is an excellent way to experience adventure and friendship.
Still, you have to ensure this:
5) Respecting each other’s limits
Ensure that both of you feel comfortable with the level of closeness in your friendship.
Respecting each other’s personal space and boundaries is key to maintaining a healthy dynamic.
Allow them to have time to themselves, pursue their interests, and sustain their individuality without feeling smothered.
Although you might feel compelled to do so, avoid prying into your ex’s personal life, especially when it comes to dating or other sensitive matters.
Give them the privacy they deserve, just as you would with any other friend. This is an important step if you want to get back together with them.
Still, that doesn’t mean you can’t flirt with them subtly.
6) Flirting subtly
Playful flirting can bring back the spark of attraction. However, tread lightly and pay attention to your ex’s response. You need to be 100% sure they’re cool with this kind of exchange.
If you’ve been out of the game for too long, you might have forgotten how to flirt.
Arguably, the best way to do it while you’re friends with your ex is to lightly tease them about something you both used to joke about. Or make inside jokes from your relationship.
Bring up fond memories from your time together, but keep it lighthearted and fun. You can also send flirty texts, compliment their appearance, and maintain eye contact a bit longer than usual.
Give them a warm and inviting gaze, or subtly touch or hug them when the opportunity arises.
Whatever you do, don’t be pushy.
7) Sharing your goals
People change, and so do their goals and aspirations. Your partner might not be the same person they were mere months ago when you were still in a relationship.
Discuss your individual life goals and aspirations. Finding common ground reinforces the idea that you can have a meaningful and compatible future together.
For instance, if both of you have a shared passion for traveling the world or starting a business, it can create excitement about venturing on these journeys together as a couple.
Likewise, if your ex shows genuine interest in helping you achieve your aspirations, it can reignite feelings once again.
8) Introducing them to your life
Have you thought about sharing your personal growth and achievements since the breakup?
It shows you’ve continued to evolve and improve, which might make your ex see you in a new light.
As I said, once people get out of a long-term relationship, they can drastically change their outlook on life, for better or worse.
If you’ve stayed friends after the breakup, let them know how you’ve changed and see their reaction.
They may or may not accept the new you, and that might be the best clue as to whether you’ll end up back together.
9) Being there during tough times
Supporting each other through challenges is yet another way to deepen your emotional connection.
When you share vulnerability together, you can rekindle the emotional intimacy you once had.
That’s why offering emotional support is invaluable when your ex is going through a difficult period in their life.
Be a good listener, and let them express their feelings and concerns. Show empathy and understanding, just as you would for any friend in need.
But, perhaps more than anything, you should do this:
10) Showing appreciation
Express gratitude for your ex’s friendship. Tell them how much you value their presence in your life and cherish the moments you spend together.
If you don’t know where to start, try saying something like: “I just wanted to say how much I appreciate having you in my life as a friend. You bring so much positivity and joy.”
Or “Thank you for always being there when I needed someone to talk to. Your support means the world to me.”
Share your emotions honestly, whether it’s saying, “I feel lucky to have you as a friend” or “I’ve been thinking a lot about our friendship lately, and it means a lot to me.”
You can also write a heartfelt letter expressing your gratitude for their friendship and what you admire in them.
11) Seeking advice
And lastly, asking for your ex’s advice on personal matters or decisions can make them feel valued and needed. This opportunity promotes a sense of importance in each other’s lives.
For example, if you’re at a crossroads with your job or career, let them know you’d love to hear their thoughts on what direction you should take.
When you ask them for advice on various aspects of your life, you not only tap into their expertise and insights but also create opportunities for meaningful conversations.
It’s conversations like these that can help you reconnect on a deeper level and remind you both of the value you bring to each other’s lives.
Final thoughts
If you’ve stayed friends after the breakup, there’s a higher chance you’ll find your way back to each other. The proximity, the shared history, the continued emotional investment — all of these create conditions where reconnection becomes possible rather than just theoretical.
Eventually, when you both feel the time is right, have an open and honest conversation about your desire to rekindle a romantic relationship. Share your feelings, hopes, and concerns while giving them the space to do the same. That conversation, when it comes from a place of genuine understanding rather than urgency, tends to be the most important one.
