Is someone in your life playing mind games with you?
Maybe you get a bad feeling in your stomach whenever you are with them. It’s like something seems off, but you can’t pinpoint what.
Manipulators show up in all areas of our lives. We can encounter them at work, in friendship groups, on dates, and even within our families.
However, while manipulation can happen in every type of relationship, the telltale signs are typically the same.
In this article, I’m exposing the manipulator’s playbook for deceit. Here are 10 subtle yet common behaviors people display when they’re trying to control you.
1) Lying
One of the first signs you might notice when dealing with a manipulator is that their actions don’t match their words.
Manipulative people are masters at lying; they are so good that their lies don’t even seem like lies.
Moreover, their lies start small but, over time, become much bigger.
For example, one of the first lies you might notice from a manipulator is when they say they will do something but don’t.
The first few times they do this, you’ll give them the benefit of the doubt, believing they intended to do it.
But after this scenario plays out repeatedly, you’ll start questioning their intention.
When manipulators say they will do something, they usually have NO intention to do so – they are simply lying.
Another subtle lie manipulative people use is hiding the truth.
Rather than outright lying to you, they will leave out vital information, allowing them to distort the truth.
Another way manipulators will avoid telling the truth is this…
2) Diversion
Diversion is when a manipulator changes the subject whenever you bring up a topic they don’t want to discuss.
They will ignore your question and change the subject abruptly.
This is most common when you confront them about their actions or behavior.
They will strategically change the subject, often rerouting the conversation to your flaws, to take the focus off them and avoid having to admit their faults.
Another behavior that manipulative people use to avoid admitting their flaws or taking responsibility for their actions is this…
3) Denial
Often, manipulators will respond to accusations with outright denial.
Here’s why…
Manipulators struggle to accept criticism and responsibility.
Accepting blame gives YOU control and power, something a manipulator wants to avoid at all costs.
Thus, one sign that you’re dealing with a manipulator is if the person in question NEVER admits when they are wrong.
Instead of saying they messed up and apologizing, they will find something or someone else to blame, including you.
Denial is part of a manipulative tactic known as gaslighting…
4) Gaslighting
So, what exactly is gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a mind game and type of psychological abuse where the manipulator tries to make you doubt your memory, sanity, or perception of reality.
One example of gaslighting is when someone denies they did something that you saw them do.
In this situation, they will completely deny that something happened, making you question yourself and your memory.
Other examples of gaslighting are:
- Downplaying events to make things seem more acceptable than they are
- Withholding critical information or twisting your words to alter the truth
- Accusing you of imagining things
How do you know if someone is gaslighting you?
You’ll start questioning yourself and may even think you are overreacting or going crazy.
Manipulators use gaslighting to gain power and control in the relationship.
Research has also found that experiencing gaslighting can negatively affect your self-image and mental health. In particular, it can lower your ability to trust yourself and others.
5) Minimizing your feelings
Another typical behavior of manipulators is minimization.
If someone constantly tells you to “stop being so sensitive” or “making things a big deal,” they might be trying to manipulate you.
This is known as Trivializing, a manipulative behavior Dr. George Simon explains in his book ‘In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People.’
Trivializing is where someone downplays or minimizes the significance of something, making it seem less important or serious than it is.
Common phrases manipulators use when trying to minimize your feelings are:
- “It’s not a big deal.”
- “You’re making a mountain out of a molehill.”
- “Why are you making such a fuss about it?”
- “You’re overreacting.”
- “You need to lighten up.”
6) Guilt-tripping
Another subtle behavior of manipulators is guilt-tripping.
Guilt-tripping is a form of emotional manipulation and control where someone uses blame as a way to get their desired outcome.
Sometimes, manipulators use this behavior to get you to do something for them.
For example, they might say, “I always do things for you, and you can’t even do this one thing for me.”
Other times, manipulators will guilt trip you into taking responsibility for THEIR emotions or situations. This releases all the blame from them and makes you look like the one who is in the wrong.
Here’s an example…
Imagine you found out your partner has been cheating. You confront them about it and tell them you’re leaving them.
But then, to prevent you from leaving, your partner uses guilt-tripping, blaming you for their infidelity.
They might say they only did it because you don’t love or care for them enough or bring up your past mistakes, making you feel like the relationship breakdown is your fault.
Guilt-tripping can be highly damaging in romantic relationships. If you have a manipulative partner who uses this tactic on you, it can lead to a guilt complex, a persistent belief that you’ve done (or will do) something wrong.
7) Playing the victim
When a manipulator shifts the blame onto you and makes it look like you’re in the wrong, they take on the role of the victim.
By painting themselves as the victim, they divert the focus from their actions while evoking symphony.
They hope you will console them and tell them they did nothing wrong, making them feel like they have regained control of the situation.
Playing the victim can also help someone get what they want.
Think about it.
The more you feel sorry for them, the more willing you will be to do what they ask of you.
You’ll know if someone is playing the victim if they constantly behave in the following way…
8) Rationalization
According to the American Psychological Association, rationalization is a defense mechanism (ego defense) where someone creates untrue yet logical reasons to justify their unacceptable behavior.
In real life, this looks like someone who always has an excuse or story.
Manipulators use rationalization to talk their way out of situations while avoiding accountability.
They will think up elaborate conversations on the spot that justify their actions and, of course, paint them as the victim.
The problem is that manipulators are so cunning that their explanations always seem logical and rational, making them difficult to argue against.
However, what I’ve found with manipulators is that their explanations are inconsistent.
Because they often create these stories on the spot, they cannot keep up with the lies and remember every detail of their stories.
So, if you think someone is trying to manipulate you with this behavior, look for loopholes in their excuses.
9) Shaming & belittling
Manipulators often use sarcasm or put-downs to gain more control and power over their victims while reducing their self-esteem.
So if someone is trying to manipulate you, they will likely attempt to belittle you by:
- Highlighting your flaws
- Bringing up your past mistakes
- Making sarcastic comments
- Negging you (giving a backhanded compliment)
This shaming and belittling behavior aims to ruin your self-esteem and make you feel like you are not worthy or good enough.
Why?
Because the worse you feel about yourself, the more likely you are to let them control you.
10) Gossiping behind your back
Another subtle way someone may try to manipulate and control you is by making up rumors and spreading lies about you.
The purpose of this behavior is to damage your reputation or character and get others to dislike you.
Why?
Because they are trying to isolate you.
By isolating you, there are fewer people to shape your thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors. Thus, it is easier for the manipulator to establish and maintain control over you.
Moreover, the fewer people you have in your circle, the more likely you will rely on the manipulator for emotional support and validation.
To a manipulator, having someone rely on them makes them feel extremely powerful.
Final thoughts
So, there you have it – the sneaky maneuvers manipulators use to mess with your head.
From little white lies to playing the victim and spreading rumors, manipulators will go to extreme lengths to gain power and control over you.
But guess what?
Now you know the manipulator’s game, you’re much better equipped to dodge their mind games and steer clear of them.
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