7 everyday comments that make someone feel unseen without meaning to

A crucial line separates being unintentionally harmful and being supportive. This unseen boundary comes down to being mindful of our words.

We often say things without realizing the unintentional impact they may have on others. We’re not intentionally disregarding their feelings, but sometimes, we unintentionally do.

Everyday comments meant to be harmless can oftentimes make someone feel unseen or undervalued. And, believe it or not, we all might be guilty of using them from time to time.

So, here are seven everyday comments we unwittingly make that can cause others to feel overlooked. Pay attention, as you may just learn to communicate in a more considerate way.

1) “You always…” or “You never…”

In navigating our relationships, labeling someone’s actions with “always” or “never” is a common pitfall that we tend to fall into without a second thought.

These generalizations, however innocent, can make the other person feel unseen or unheard.

Why? Because these absolute phrases tend to dismiss and invalidate the individual circumstances, the struggles, or the improvements made by the person in question.

Though usually expressed in a heated moment or during a casual conversation, the impact these comments leave can be damaging.

The person at the receiving end may feel typecast or pigeonholed, with no room for change or growth.

Next time, choose to show understanding and allow space for growth. Instead of labeling their behavior absolutely, point to the specific action and communicate its impact on you.

Communication should be a bridge to understanding, not a wall of misperceptions. Instead of saying “You always…” or “You never…”, aim for a more thoughtful approach.

2) “At least you…”

Sharing our problems with someone can often lead to receiving a well-intentioned but poorly received response: “At least, you…”. I can’t count how often I’ve heard this phrase or even used it myself.

For instance, I remember sharing with a friend about my frustration in juggling work and parenting during quarantine.

Rather than acknowledging my struggle, their response was, “At least you have a stable job and children. Some people are not that lucky”. Of course, their intention was to point towards the brighter side.

There’s an undertone of dismissal, unintentionally ensuring that my feelings seemed unappreciated.

The phrase “At least you…” often minimizes and compares experiences instead of validating them. It’s as if our struggles are placed on a hypothetical scale and weighed against someone else’s struggle.

And painting a silver lining around every cloud can make someone feel unseen in their struggle.

Let’s strive to offer an empathetic ear, rather than comparative remarks that often make others feel unheard or unseen.

3) “Just calm down”

Telling someone to “just calm down” when they are visibly upset or anxious may seem like a helpful suggestion; after all, being calm allows for clearer thinking and better decision making.

According to research in emotional psychology, when someone is experiencing a distressing emotion, asking them to suppress it can cause a rebound effect.

This means that suppressing the specific emotion can not only increase its emotional power but also maintains its presence over time.

In other words, telling someone to “just calm down” might actually make their distress last longer and feel more intense, rather than helping them.

It can also make them feel unseen or unheard, as their emotional state is being disregarded.

Instead, acknowledging their feelings, offering support, or giving them space to calm down naturally can be much more helpful.

Emotions are real and valid feelings and deserve to be treated as such.

4) “You look tired”

Observing someone’s appearance can often be an attempt at showing concern or starting a conversation.

Telling someone that they look tired—even with the best intentions—can unintentionally send a hurtful message.

This comment can feel like a veiled critique of their appearance, implying they look worse than they usually do. It might also stir up insecurities or make them question their vitality or competence.

Moreover, even if they are actually tired, pointing it out doesn’t solve the problem or offer any real help.

It just makes them more aware and potentially more self-conscious about it.

Instead, perhaps inquire about how they’re feeling or if they’ve been keeping busy. That way, it opens up a chance for them to share if they’re feeling overwhelmed or fatigued, without feeling critiqued.

5) “You’re fine, don’t overreact”

I recall a time when I was anxious about giving a public speech, and my hands were shaking. A well-meaning friend casually remarked, “You’re fine, don’t overreact.”

While my friend probably had good intentions, this phrase may lead to feelings of dismissal or invalidation.

It implied that my fears were unjustified and that I was making a mountain out of a molehill.

Sometimes, people experience situations differently, and the hearsay that one person perceives as an overreaction might be a genuine response to fear for another.

In such instances, it’s crucial to validate their feelings and show empathy, rather than dismissing their concerns offhand.

6) “I understand exactly how you feel”

Empathy can be a glue that strengthens connections. Saying “I understand exactly how you feel” can sometimes do more harm than good.

Though the intention is to create a bond and empathize, it can give off an unintended air of presumption.

This phrase assumes a complete understanding of the other person’s experience, unintentionally disregarding the fact that each individual’s feelings are nuanced and unique to their perspective.

Instead of presuming to understand exactly how someone else feels, consider saying, “I can’t fully understand what you’re going through, but I’m here for you.”

This leaves room for the individual to feel seen and express themselves further, rather than feeling like their unique experiences are being generalized or overlooked.

7) “But you always seem so strong”

Among all the everyday comments we make, one phrase stands out for its powerful potential to make someone feel unseen: “But you always seem so strong”.

Labeling someone as “strong” can feel like a heartfelt compliment. It can also pressure them to uphold this image, making it harder for them to share their struggles or vulnerability.

It subtly suggests that they are expected to handle all situations with grace, ignoring the human need for support and understanding.

Always remember – everyone needs space to not be strong sometimes.

Instead of pointing out their strength in challenging times, offer your support and let them know it’s okay to be vulnerable too. This way, they won’t feel unseen or misunderstood in their emotional experiences.

Moving forward: Conversations that matter

The subtleties of human interaction hold immense power. The words we employ in our day-to-day conversations can significantly shape our relationships, perceptions, and the messages we send.

Addressing the frequency of harmless comments that unintentionally make someone feel unseen, we’re reminded of the phrase: “Handle with care”.

Each person we interact with is a bundle of emotions, experiences, insecurities and strengths. Being mindful of our words doesn’t imply constant self-editing.

It’s more about developing empathy and making an effort to see the person beneath the words, not just what we perceive on the surface.

Ultimately, it’s about transforming our conversations into an exchange of empathy, understanding, and connection.

Now, as we move forward, let us embrace this wisdom, guide our conversations with understanding, and truly see every person we interact with.

Because every individual deserves to be seen and heard – loud, clear, and thoughtful.