7 things people do when they’re trying to move on but can’t quite let go

There’s a strange middle ground between heartbreak and healing.

You’ve blocked their number, stopped checking their Instagram stories, maybe even told your friends you’re over it. Yet somehow, they still sneak into your thoughts when you’re brushing your teeth or trying to fall asleep.

I know that place too well.

A few years ago, I was stuck in that loop, half convincing myself I’d moved on, half secretly waiting for a text that would never come. What helped me break that cycle wasn’t time alone, but deep self-work and honest reflection on why I was holding on in the first place.

If you’ve been trying to move on but can’t seem to let go, here are seven subtle behaviors that might explain why.

1. You keep replaying “what could’ve been”

When we lose someone, we don’t just grieve the relationship, we grieve the story we told ourselves about it.

You might find yourself daydreaming about the alternate version of reality where they apologized, where timing worked, where you were both ready.

But those imagined futures keep you stuck.

I used to replay conversations in my head, tweaking my responses like I could rewrite the past. It gave me an illusion of control, when what I really needed was acceptance.

As Rudá Iandê writes in Laughing in the Face of Chaos, “Freedom doesn’t come from controlling chaos. It comes from dancing with it.” That line made me pause, because moving on is chaotic. The goal isn’t to fix the past, it’s to make peace with uncertainty.

2. You confuse emotional attachment with meaning

Sometimes, we mistake deep emotional intensity for deep connection.

I once believed that the person who made me feel the most alive was my soulmate. In reality, he was just the person who triggered every unhealed part of me.

Our nervous systems can confuse familiarity with love. If chaos feels normal to you, peace might initially feel boring. That’s why you keep circling back, not because they’re “the one,” but because your body hasn’t learned what calm feels like yet.

Healing, for me, looked like sitting with that discomfort without reaching for the familiar. It was awkward and painful, but eventually freeing.

3. You hold onto “closure” as if it’s a destination

People often wait for closure the way they wait for a parcel, tracking every sign, expecting something tangible to arrive.

But closure isn’t given. It’s created.

I used to think I needed one last conversation, one honest explanation. When I finally got it, it didn’t change how I felt. That was the moment I realized closure was an inside job.

If you’re still waiting for them to help you move on, you’re giving them power over your peace. Instead, you can choose to close the chapter yourself, even without their permission.

4. You idealize the good and minimize the bad

Our brains have a sneaky way of editing memories after a breakup. We highlight the sweet moments and fade the painful ones, like curating a highlight reel of what we’ve lost.

It’s not dishonesty; it’s self-preservation.

But this selective remembering makes it impossible to move on.

I remember one ex who used to make me laugh until I cried. He also made me cry until I couldn’t laugh. I used to focus on the first part and ignore the second. Reading Laughing in the Face of Chaos reminded me how often we romanticize our own suffering, mistaking endurance for depth.

Sometimes, letting go means telling the truth about the whole picture, not just the parts that felt good.

5. You stay connected in small, sneaky ways

Unfollowing them might feel too dramatic, so you “just mute their stories.” You tell yourself you’re fine seeing their posts now and then. Maybe you even check their Spotify to see what they’re listening to.

Those micro-connections keep your attachment alive.

I once kept a shirt from an ex for months, not because I wanted to wear it, but because it carried a sense of safety. When I finally donated it, I cried, then felt lighter than I had in months.

Letting go isn’t only emotional; it’s also physical.

If something, a photo, a song, a scent, keeps reopening the wound, it’s okay to remove it. You’re not erasing memories; you’re reclaiming space.

6. You make their absence your identity

Sometimes, we hold on because we don’t know who we are without the relationship.

When a relationship ends, so does the version of yourself that existed within it. That can feel like a death of identity.

After my last breakup, I caught myself saying things like, “I used to be the kind of person who…” as if my sense of self depended on someone else’s presence. It took me months to rebuild a life that wasn’t defined by us.

That’s when Rudá Iandê’s book struck me again, his idea that chaos is not something to survive, but to grow through. I started using that chaos as fuel to rediscover myself, to lift heavier at the gym, to redecorate my apartment, to reconnect with old passions.

You’re not who you were with them. And that’s a good thing.

7. You confuse healing with forgetting

Many people believe they can only move on once they stop thinking about the person entirely.

That’s not healing, that’s repression.

Healing is when you can think of them and feel at peace. When their memory no longer feels like an open wound, but a scar that simply reminds you of how much you’ve learned.

For me, that realization came quietly one morning. I was cleaning my kitchen, music playing, when I realized I hadn’t thought about him in weeks. Not because I forced myself not to, but because I was too busy living.

You don’t need to erase your past to move on. You just need to stop living in it.

Final thoughts

When we’re struggling to let go, what we’re often trying to release isn’t the person, it’s the version of ourselves that clung to them.

Laughing in the Face of Chaos helped me see that clearly. Rudá Iandê doesn’t sugarcoat human emotions. He invites you to face your messiness with humor, honesty, and self-compassion, something I wish I’d done sooner.

If you’re still caught between heartbreak and healing, this book is worth your time. It won’t tell you to “manifest your ex back” or “just love yourself more.” It will teach you how to find clarity amidst emotional chaos, so you can finally let go, not by forgetting, but by transforming.

Because letting go isn’t the end of the story. It’s the beginning of who you become next.