Toxic friends are bad for our health as well as our mental well-being.
So found one study done by researchers at the University of California showed that dealing with a toxic friend increases our stress levels and causes inflammation within the body.
But relationships very rarely start out destructive, they slowly get that way over time.
That’s why it’s important to watch out for the signs. If something doesn’t feel right, it can be an indication that the friendship is turning toxic.
Here are some of the more subtle signs it’s heading that way.
1) They find little ways to criticize you, even if it’s with subtle backhanded compliments
Our relationships should lift us up, not drag us down.
Insulting remarks, belittling comments, or harsh judgments are therefore a huge no-no.
They may not always be so obvious about it. For example, it could be delivered as a backhanded compliment such as “It must be so nice not caring how you look.”
But it’s still a put-down. And as Steven Stosny, Ph.D. warns in Psychology Today, it can be a slippery slope:
“Criticism in close relationships starts out on a low key, in most cases, and escalates over time, forming a downward spiral of resentment. The criticized person feels controlled.”
2) You don’t feel supported, quite the opposite
A toxic friend may be unsupportive or dismissive of your feelings and needs.
- They don’t seem to listen when you’re upset
- They ignore your achievements
- They minimize your problems
It leaves you with the feeling that they don’t have your back.
3) The relationship is one-sided when it comes to effort
It’s not always going to be an exact 50/50 down-the-middle split. But all of our relationships should be balanced.
That means both give and both take.
If you feel like you’re always giving and receiving little in return, the friendship may be toxic.
For example, your friend constantly seeks help but is unavailable when you need them, you are always the one who has to instigate meet-ups, you often check-in on them but they never return the favor.
4) There’s constant drama
A certain amount of ups and downs are inevitable. But friendships that are filled with drama and conflict can be draining and harmful.
You may notice that you’ve been having arguments over trivial matters. Or it feels like they’re hellbent on stirring up trouble.
They fly off the handle or overreact, They may be prone to disruptive or even aggressive behavior.
Psychologist Scott Lyons says some people just enjoy the buzz that drama brings:
“People with a tendency toward drama rarely stay in the background or on the sidelines. Even when they are able to suppress their urge to be the center of attention, they don’t do it for long. Being in the middle of larger-than-life action tends to make them feel important.”
5) They encourage you to be someone you’re not
Relationships rely on authenticity.
If we can’t be ourselves it’s hard to feel safe and impossible to have a genuine connection.
- They try to coax you into wearing different clothes or changing your style
- They put pressure on you to do things you don’t enjoy, like attending parties when you’d rather stay home
- They make you feel guilty for not “fitting in” by being the same as them
- They compare you to others
We all deserve to find friends that like us for who we are. So they shouldn’t try to change you.
6) The Universe resolves around them
Your friend is only ever interested in talking about themselves.
They show little interest in your life and never ask you questions.
When you try to tell them something, it isn’t long before they turn the conversation back around to them.
Amanda Rose Ph.D. has researched so-called “conversational self-focus” and says it pushes people away.
“Compared to people with friends who did not self-focus, friends of self-focusers saw their relationships as low quality and getting even worse over time. In fact, we found that friends increasingly tried to avoid the self-focused person, including avoiding seeing them in person and not responding to texts and messages.”
7) You feel bad about yourself after hanging out with them
Watch out for energy signals. They may feel vague, but they are powerful indicators.
When you are around them (or afterward):
- You are drained
- You feel negative
- You’re uncomfortable, even if you don’t know why
- You need to recharge
- You can’t get away quick enough
We’re very sensitive to negative energy, and research has shown it’s contagious.
These feelings could also be a form of intuition.
Far from guesswork, our gut feelings are subconscious messages the brain sends to us after picking up on countless sources of information.
8) They don’t take responsibility when they do something wrong
If you’ve had a fallout, it’s all your fault in their mind. They would never dream of apologizing.
Similarly, if they behave inappropriately or do something to hurt you, they’re dismissive and gloss over it.
This shows they don’t take accountability.
9) You know they gossip about you
Perhaps someone has told you or you may have even caught them in the act.
Even if you simply suspect it, that still suggests there’s a lack of trust or respect going on.
Research has shown that the more connected you are to friends, the less likely you are to spread negative gossip.
If they’re bitching about you, they’re not in your corner.
10) They act jealous when good things happen to you
Jealousy doesn’t have to be extreme to be harmful to your friendship.
Dr. Judy Ho, PhD, clinical and forensic neuropsychologist says:
“The earliest sign of jealousy is usually that your friend seems withdrawn when things are going well for you. Perhaps they either dismiss your news or move on from it very quickly.”
11) They’re demanding to the point of being needy
You may feel bad about it, but the truth is your friend expects way too much from you.
They make you responsible for their feelings and well-being.
As explained by Psych Central:
“Friends in this category may text, call, email, or message us on social media multiple times in a row or an excessive number of times each day. When they are communicating, they may drag the conversation out longer than necessary or send unusually long emails detailing their needs and worries. They may repeatedly drop by our house without notice. They may constantly ask what we’re doing or about whom we’re spending time with. And they may push us to hang out all day and all night, rather than wrapping things up after a few hours like most people would.”
12) You don’t trust them
That could be for a variety of reasons.
Perhaps you’ve caught them in a lie, more than once. You don’t feel like they’re being open and honest with you. Or maybe they’ve done things to betray you and break your trust.
As Karen Pace from Michigan State University points out:
“When we have learned to distrust someone, it’s usually because we’ve come to understand that what we share with them or what’s important to us is not safe with that person.”
13) You’ve done things you’re not proud of when you spend time with them
You’ve probably heard it said that you are who you surround yourself with.
Well, research backs up that our friends change our habits for better or for worse.
Social psychologist Amber Gaffney says “The more of your identity you draw from a group, even when you’re not around that group, the more likely you are to uphold those values.”
If you feel like your friend is turning you into the worst version of yourself, then it’s a very bad sign.
14) They’re only in your life because you two have a history
You don’t really have a lot in common. In fact, a lot of who they are doesn’t feel aligned with you anymore.
Perhaps many of their values, morals, or beliefs you don’t agree with. You find yourself overlooking quite a lot, just because you’ve known each other for a long time.
But advice columnist Annalisa Barbieri reminds us:
“We all evolve, and sometimes our friends grow with us, sometimes they don’t. Friends made at school can be lifelong, but you can go through stages of having not that much in common, or needing different things; sometimes you find each other again further down the line. Sometimes you don’t…but if the friendship isn’t working, it’s OK to put it on pause for a while.”
15) They borrow money or stuff without giving it back
At first, you may try to brush it off as forgetful. But as time passes, it seems more like selective memory.
When a pattern starts to emerge of a friend who always borrows and doesn’t give back, we have to call it what it is — disrespect.
Psychology professor Robert Feldman says they probably have justified it to themselves.
“There is a point at which it becomes not something that is borrowed, but something that is now part of your world. You don’t feel guilt about it, and don’t think about how you got it, about the true ownership and the source.”
16) They sulk or guilt trip you when they don’t get their own way
This is manipulative behavior. But sometimes passive aggression flies under the radar as it feels less overt.
Manipulative friends may give you the silent treatment as punishment, guilt-trip you, take advantage, or even gaslight you.
They try to make you feel guilty for setting boundaries.
What can you do about it?
Only you can decide if it’s time to cut ties and move on. Sometimes, distancing yourself from a toxic friend may be necessary for your well-being.
Either way, it’s important to reflect on the relationship to evaluate whether the friendship adds value to your life or just brings you down.
If you do decide to stick around, try to set some firmer boundaries and clearly communicate your needs to protect yourself.
Address your concerns with your friend in a calm but assertive manner. If they’re really a true friend, they should want to hear how you’ve been feeling.
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Every wild soul archetype reflects a different way of sensing, choosing, and moving through life.
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✨ Instant results. Guided by shaman Rudá Iandê’s teachings.
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