Have you ever found yourself in the company of a friend, family member, or colleague, with a sense that there might be something going on under the surface?
Maybe you notice they’re talking about themselves in an overly negative way, or perhaps they’re no longer sleeping properly.
Whatever it may be, you start to worry about them, and you wonder how you can help.
Thankfully, psychology provides us with a compassionate, well-researched lens through which we can unveil the signs that the person we love might not be happy.
Let’s take a look at some of these indicators.
1) They have intense feelings of guilt or regret
Have you ever met someone who seems to carry the weight of the world on their shoulders? As if they’re haunted by this invisible cloud of guilt or regret?
Well, this could be a tell-tale sign that they’re not happy.
According to UNC Health psychiatrist Nate Sowa, MD, PhD, guilt is a sign of unhappiness.
“Feeling guilt, dredging up things from the past or blaming yourself unnecessarily,” Dr. Sowa said.
When people feel guilty about the past, replaying mistakes over and over, and blaming themselves even when it’s not necessary, it’s as if they’re caught in this loop that just makes them unhappy.
They end up carrying the weight of past actions, which harms their growth and stops them from enjoying the present.
Unnecessary self-blame messes with self-esteem and stresses them out, adding up to an overall feeling of unhappiness.
Breaking free from this cycle means recognizing these patterns, reaching out for support, and finding healthier ways to deal with stuff, or in other words, giving themselves a chance for a more positive and fulfilling life.
So, if you notice someone carrying around the weight of guilt or regret, give them a hug and start a conversation.
2) They don’t seem to like themselves very much
We’ve all experienced moments of self-doubt or criticism, but when it becomes a pervasive dislike of oneself, it takes on a whole new level.
A cross-sectional study into depressive symptoms in students listed a “cognitive” sign of deep unhappiness is having a “dislike of self” which can involve “self-criticism” and “even dislike own appearance”
When someone constantly engages in self-criticism, it’s like they have this internal dialogue that’s a never-ending cycle of negativity.
They might be their own harshest critic, scrutinizing every action and decision, and it can create this toxic cycle that feeds into feelings of deep unhappiness.
Let’s not forget the other thing the study brings to light: disliking one’s own appearance.
In today’s world, with the constant bombardment of idealized images on social media and elsewhere, it’s easy to see how someone might develop a distorted view of themselves
It’s like we’re all held to these unrealistic standards, and if we don’t measure up, it can lead to a significant dislike of our own appearance.
When they’re constantly at odds with themselves, it’s tough to find contentment. It’s almost like they’re carrying around this heavy load of negativity, and it spills over into every aspect of their lives.
Relationships, work, and overall well-being—everything is affected.
Helping someone break free from this pattern of self-dislike might involve fostering a more positive internal dialogue, challenging those critical thoughts, and encouraging self-compassion.
3) They are sleeping very little
It’s fascinating how the relationship between sleep and mental health is a two-way street.
It’s not just that depression can cause trouble sleeping, but the reverse seems to be true as well—that difficulty sleeping can be an early indicator of looming depression.
Licensed psychologist Seth J. Gillihan PhD explores this in an article for Psychology Today.
“Trouble sleeping isn’t just a symptom of depression; it can also be a sign that depression is coming. Research shows that insomnia more than doubles the risk for depression,” said Dr. Gillihan.
Essentially, our sleep patterns are like a mirror reflecting our mental health.
The connection between insomnia and depression might not be immediately obvious, but the science behind it, including the aforementioned study, is pretty compelling.
Research has indeed shown that persistent sleep troubles can more than double the risk of developing depression.
Similarly, insufficient sleep messes with the delicate balance of chemicals in our brain, affecting mood-regulating neurotransmitters like serotonin and dopamine.
And the real kicker is that lack of sleep doesn’t just pave the way for depression—it also undermines our ability to cope with life’s challenges.
Breaking this cycle often involves addressing both sleep and mental health simultaneously.
It’s not just about getting more shut-eye—it’s about creating a holistic approach to well-being.
So, if you find that someone you know is tossing and turning more than usual, maybe it’s time to not only suggest a cozy bedtime routine for them, but also to check in about their mental health.
Because sometimes, improving one can be the key to unlocking improvements in the other.
4) They no longer have much energy
Unhappiness isn’t confined to just the mind—it has far-reaching effects on the entire body.
Our bodies and minds are intricately woven together. And that is particularly true when it comes to feelings of fatigue.
When we talk about fatigue in the context of depression, it’s not just about feeling a little sleepy after a long day.
It’s an enduring and overwhelming sense of exhaustion that can persist even after a good night’s sleep.
A study in the Dialogues in Clinical Neuroscience journal that analyzed the physical symptoms of depression included “fatigue or loss of energy”.
The research found that many of the respondents “who met overall criteria for major depression” also “exhibited fatigue.”
Fatigue can become a tangible expression of the mental turmoil happening inside.
If you know someone who is constantly battling fatigue, it’s not surprising that their overall quality of life may suffer.
Simple pleasures and daily responsibilities can become burdensome, contributing to a cycle of unhappiness and despair.
5) They unhealthily rely on reward and achievement to feel loved
If someone you know is so intensely focused on tasks, to the point where they’re using accomplishment as a means to feel loved, they might not be happy.
This seemingly productive behavior may be a double-edged sword, cutting them off from knowing genuine joy.
Clinical psychologist Margaret R Rutherford Ph.D., who runs the incredible podcast SelfWork, explores this.
“You count on activity and accomplishment to distract yourself from any inner insecurities or fears that might try to seep out of hiding,” Dr. Rutherford said in a piece for Psychology Today.
She suggests that such individuals may be using their achievements as a shield, a way to fend off any inner insecurities or fears that lurk beneath the surface.
“But you carry it too far. You may not know what brings you a sense of esteem, except for those accomplishments and tasks. And that’s the problem,” she continues.
It’s as if they’ve constructed a fortress of tasks and accomplishments, hoping that the busyness will drown out the whispers of self-doubt and anxiety.
But here’s the catch: when this coping mechanism is taken to the extreme, it’s like they’ve placed all their eggs in one basket, relying solely on external validation.
True happiness eludes them because it’s so dependent on a never-ending cycle of tasks, leaving little room for self-discovery and genuine self-love.
6) They struggle to be truly vulnerable in relationships
Psychologist Dr. Rutherford continues in her exploration of signs of deep unhappiness.
She explains that if a person has a tendency to be open in personal relationships, it might have flow on effects to their overall levels of joy.
“The vulnerability that is linked with true intimacy is hard for you. While driven to be productive and achieve, you aren’t likely to be someone who can easily relate on an intimate level,” says Dr. Rutherford.
If someone finds it challenging to embrace this kind of vulnerability, it becomes a roadblock to those deep connections that bring joy.
This could well be due to a fear of judgment or a concern about being too exposed.
The paradox is that while this person might be highly driven to achieve and be productive, that drive may not necessarily translate into fulfilling, meaningful relationships.
It’s not about choosing one over the other but finding a harmony that allows for both professional success and emotional fulfillment.
After all, true happiness often lies in the connections we weave with the people around us.
7) Suicidal tendencies
In a TV news segment for CBS News, psychiatrist Dr. Jessi Gold explores the symptoms of clinical depression. One that she touches on is: “Repeating thoughts of death or suicide, wishing to die, or attempting suicide.”
The repetition of thoughts about death or suicide is a distressing manifestation of the immense pain that people with depression endure.
Dr. Gold’s exploration of this symptom highlights the urgency of addressing mental health issues and offering support to those who are struggling.
It emphasizes the need for empathy, destigmatization, and open conversations surrounding mental health.
Remember, behind every symptom is a person battling against the darkness within, and acknowledging these struggles is the first step towards fostering a more compassionate and supportive society.
If you know someone who is having thoughts of suicide, please let them know that they are not alone. If you or someone you know is in crisis, help is available. Call or text 988 or chat at 988lifeline.org.
Final thoughts
From intense feelings of guilt and self-dislike to sleep troubles and low energy, it’s clear how closely our mental and physical well-being are intertwined.
Taking a comprehensive approach to these issues is so important.
So, if someone you know is struggling, it’s not just about noticing but also about reaching out and offering support.
Let’s foster empathy, break down the stigma, and keep those vital conversations about mental health open.
And remember, help is always available if needed.
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