10 seemingly innocent phrases with a passive-aggressive undertone

I’m not proud of this, but I am the Queen of passive aggression.

I can see how I often mask many of my irritations with humor and sarcasm.

I will also admit that it’s a wholly destructive habit that only hinders communication and can cause some serious relationship conflict when it goes unchecked.

So why do I do it?

Because I’m still learning to voice my needs and wants in a healthy way. That’s not always easy.

A lot of it stems from a deep discomfort from conflict.

I think that plenty of us have this problem, which is why passive-aggressive comments are so darn commonplace.

We can feel afraid of straight-up telling people when we’re hurt, annoyed, or disappointed.

But the trouble is, those unvoiced negative emotions that we bottle up seep out in toxic ways.

With that in mind, here are some seemingly innocent phrases with a passive-aggressive undertone to watch out for.

1) “Don’t worry about it, I’ll do it myself”

I use this one (usually directed toward my partner) to indirectly say:

• I don’t want to do it
• I’m tired of waiting for you to do it
• I’m pissed off that you haven’t gotten around to it yet

The “don’t worry about it” part of the sentence can make it seem fairly innocent.

It suggests that there’s no problem, when in fact there is.

If someone tells you not to worry about it after you’ve said you’ll do something, you probably should take note.

Chances are they secretly begrudge what they’re about to do.

2) “Any chance you could…”

“…pay back that money you owe me?”

“…unload the dishwasher?”

“…stop watching TV and give me a hand?”

It may be posed as a question, but don’t be fooled. There is no real choice attached to it. Their request is in fact a statement.

They are probably irritated that they had to ask in the first place.

I know it’s super subtle, and it may not seem like a big difference, but a less passive-aggressive way would be to simply say what it is that you want from someone.

For example:

Please can you pay back the money you owe me or I’d appreciate it if you would unload the dishwasher.

3) “If that’s what you want”

When someone says this, rest assured they are sitting on plenty of unexpressed feelings.

On the face of it, this phrase should imply that someone is on board with your wishes, or at the very least accepts them.

But in reality, that’s not the case.

“If that’s what YOU want” passive-aggressively points out it’s not what they want.

But rather than tell you that and discuss it, the speaker withdraws, perhaps through stonewalling or playing the martyr.

4) “You probably don’t care what I think, but…”

This one is often used after someone shares their opinion but suspects it will fall on deaf ears.

It really smacks of victimhood. They basically want you to feel sorry for them.

It’s quite manipulative and designed to make you give their feelings or thoughts greater precedence.

You may fall for it, and be guilt-tripped into backing down.

5) “Sorry, I’m confused”

This phrase falls out of my mouth when my patience reserves have almost dried up and someone is getting on my very last nerve.

I’m not sorry. Often I’m not even confused.

I’m actually just exasperated by what I see as their stupidity or willful lack of efficiency over something.

6) “It’s up to you”

When someone states a preference but then tells you:

“But it’s up to you”.

Be very careful, there’s a good chance they care more than they are letting on.

They may be apprehensive to assert themselves more.

In some instances, it can also be a test to see whether you will “selfishly” go with your own preferences over there’s.

7) “I’ll live” or “I’m sure I’ll survive”

Much like “I’ll manage”, the speaker here may be saying that they can cope with the consequence of your actions, but only begrudgingly.

There is a fine, yet detectable, burden hidden within this slightly sarcastic comment.

It suggests that they’re not put out enough to make a huge fuss about it. But neither are they left feeling satisfied by the outcome.

The odds are that some unexpressed feelings and thoughts are being hidden behind this statement.

If someone says this to you, it’s wise to dig a little deeper to tease out what they really think.

8) “I’m too tired to argue with you”

This phrase might seem like a peace offering at first, but not really.

Rather than put the dispute to bed, it will likely roll on in other passive-aggressive ways (hello silent treatment!).

The implication is that the whole thing is so utterly emotionally exhausting, that they can’t devote the time to resolving it.

You’re not currently worth their energy.

It’s a bit like saying, “What’s the point, you’ll never understand”.

Rest assured, if this phrase is admitting any defeat, it is incredibly reluctant.

9) “Suit yourself”

My mom always used this line whenever I did something she didn’t agree with.

What can I say, I learned my passive-aggressive habits from the best!

It was usually accompanied by raised eyebrows or a shrug of the shoulders.

It was her way of letting me know in no uncertain terms that she thought I was wrong.

But rather than give her honest opinion in a direct way, she would pretend it wasn’t really any of her business.

Which brings me to our next phrase…

10) “It’s probably none of my business, but…”

Let’s face it, if you already think that it’s none of your business, why continue with what you’re about to say?

Using this phrase is often seen as a more caring or milder version of:

“No offense, but…”

And we all know that this sentence is usually finished off with a rude statement.

Yet there’s a good chance that “It’s probably none of my business, but…” will also precede some sort of judgment.

 A judgment that they’ve already highlighted has nothing to do with them.

Stamping our passive-aggression

Okay, admittedly I’m biased because it’s something that I can be guilty of and I’m still working on…

But passive-aggression doesn’t make you a bad person.

In fact, often it’s trying to avoid looking like a bad person that gets us caught up in the mess of this toxic habit in the first place.

We want to be seen as nice, friendly, cooperative, and uncomplicated. We worry about looking difficult, awkward, aggressive, or selfish.

So we sit on our emotions.

But we need to normalize being more honest with each other and find better ways of doing so. 

Sometimes that may mean learning how to be more assertive so that we can speak up for ourselves in constructive ways.

Other times it’s finding new communication tools to navigate disagreement with greater tact.

Yet some of it also comes down to self-esteem and confidence. Because we dohave a right to say how we feel.

Passive aggression happens when we deprive ourselves of that right and our frustrations bubble below the surface.