9 seemingly innocent phrases that are actually quite hurtful

Communication. We all struggle with it from time to time.

You might not always know how to explain your feelings. You might find it challenging to bring up an issue without getting frustrated.

And sometimes, you may say something that comes out the wrong way, upsetting the other person.

The good news is that the more you self-reflect and learn about communication, the more likely you are to have mature conversations where both parties feel heard and understood.

So, without further ado… here are the 9 seemingly innocent phrases that are actually quite hurtful.

1) “As long as you’re happy”

There are two ways to say this phrase.

One, you’re giving advice to a friend and genuinely mean it – you think that their happiness is of the utmost importance and should guide their decisions.

Two, someone is showing you something they’re excited about – a photo of their new partner or a coat they’ve recently bought, for example – and your go-to phrase is “As long as you’re happy” because you’re judging them for their choices a tiny bit.

The first is perfectly fine. The latter can be quite hurtful. Chances are, the person you’re speaking to will notice the judgment in your voice and will feel offended or get upset at the idea of your covert disagreement.

If you don’t agree with some of your friends’ choices, try saying it in a gentle and honest way.

“As long as you’re happy” can be very passive-aggressive and can do more damage than you may think.

2) “I’m just being honest”

Speaking of honesty, the way you go about being honest isn’t so straightforward, either.

If you say something hurtful and then add, “I’m just being honest,” you’re only adding salt to the injury. It doesn’t matter whether you’re convinced of your honesty – what matters is that you said something upsetting.

This isn’t to say you should lie. But if there’s something you need to bring up to your friend, partner, or family member, try doing it as kindly as you can.

Oftentimes, “brutal honesty” is just aggression in disguise. Go for gentle honesty instead.

3) “No offense, but…”

Is there anything that’s more offensive than “no offense, but”? This phrase is pretty hard to beat, right?

That’s because “no offense” does not diminish the impact of what you say whatsoever.

If you brace yourself with “no offense” and go on to say something offensive, the phrase will only backfire on you, making you look like someone who can’t distinguish between rude and polite behavior.

“No offense” may seem innocent – you’re only saying you don’t mean to offend, after all – but if your words are inherently at odds with it, it only highlights the insult itself.

A much better phrase you can use is, “I hope this doesn’t come out the wrong way.”

By saying that, you’re automatically telling the other person that your intentions are well-meant and that you can talk about the issue at hand in more depth if there’s any miscommunication.

4) “It was just a joke”

Was it? I mean, a joke isn’t very funny if only one person is laughing and the other gets upset. That sounds more like an insult hidden behind humor to me.

If you say something hurtful and then try to explain that you meant it as a joke, it won’t help your case very much because you’re essentially saying, “It was a joke, so there’s no need for you to get upset. You’re taking this too seriously.”

And that, my friend, invalidates the other person’s emotions, making them feel even worse.

If you truly did mean it as a joke but are now realizing it was a pretty bad move on your part, try saying this: “I meant it as a joke, but I can see it wasn’t funny and was actually pretty hurtful. I’m sorry. I won’t make jokes like that again.”

Ta-da!

5) “I’m fine”

“Fine” seems innocent enough, right?

Well, how about people who say “I’m fine” in response to “Are you okay?” although their voice is dripping with bitterness?

See? Not so innocent after all.

When you snap “I’m fine” instead of properly communicating your feelings, you’re confusing the other person and creating an environment where issues get bottled down or brushed under the carpet.

What’s more, “I’m fine” shuts down any opportunity for a productive discussion, which can be quite hurtful to the other person because it shows a lack of effort to sort through the conflict together.

Look, it’s okay not to want to talk about your feelings. You may need a bit of time to process how you feel, which means you might not want to sort it out right this minute.

But instead of “I’m fine,” try: “I need a bit of time to put my thoughts in order. Can we talk about it in a bit?”

6) “Whatever”

Similarly to “I’m fine”, “Whatever” is a phrase that signals you’re essentially giving up.

You’re turning your back to the issue and to the other person involved in the conflict. You’re saying, “Screw this. You’re not worth the trouble.” You’re putting up a wall between the two of you and refusing to come to a mutual agreement.

This can be very hurtful as it shows your friend or partner that they’re not worth your effort, not to mention that it doesn’t help the relationship move forward in any meaningful way.

How about “I need a bit of space and then we can talk about it again”? That’s much better than “Whatever”.

7) “If you really knew me, you’d…”

The next phrase sounds quite innocent as well, but it’s actually pretty manipulative.

Let’s say your friend accidentally did something you’re not particularly fond of. You might say, “If you really knew me, you’d never do that. You’d know I wouldn’t like it.”

The issue is that “If you really knew me” basically says, “I thought you knew me better than that. I thought you were a better friend. But I guess I was wrong.”

You’re essentially doubting your friend’s knowledge of who you are, their loyalty, and their ability to be a good friend. In response, they may feel very guilty and may try to make it up to you for fear of losing you.

Since this phrase is toeing the line with emotional manipulation, try to avoid it as much as possible.

8) “That’s just typical”

I once had a friend who would say, “That’s just typical” every time I broke something or did something wrong.

While she meant it to be funny – “Haha, you’re so clumsy, I wouldn’t expect anything else from you” – it did a number on my self-esteem. If breaking things was something typical for me, what did that say about me as a person?

When you sweep someone’s action into a “typical” box, you’re stereotyping their behavior and simplifying who they are. Quite understandably, that can be hurtful.

9) “You do you”

Let’s wrap this up with “You do you”, the sister to “As long as you’re happy”!

Again, “You do you” can be pretty useful advice if your friend or partner is confiding in you about something and is in need of some emotional support.

But it can also be a phrase loaded with judgment if you use it in the wrong situation.

For example, let’s say your friend’s showing you a new car they’ve bought. You don’t like it very much, but your friend’s a bit out there when it comes to style, so you suppose the car is in line with their taste.

Therefore, you say, “You do you.”

The issue is that your friend might pick up on the hesitation in your voice and may feel like something’s wrong with them based on your reaction.

Their excitement may turn sour, and the joy they felt just moments before may completely disappear and give way to embarrassment and disappointment.

The solution? Instead of “You do you”, compliment the aspects you like and say that it fits their style or personality. All those things are true, after all.

Remember – it’s always better to be gentle than brutally honest. If you’re unsure of what to say, go for kindness mixed with honesty.