Last week at my meditation circle, I watched something unfold that made my stomach twist.
Two women were catching up before we started, and one was gushing about how perfect her relationship was.
Twenty minutes later, during our sharing time, the same woman broke down about feeling lonely in her marriage.
The disconnect was jarring, but what struck me most was how unsurprised everyone seemed.
We’ve all been there.
Watching these small deceptions play out, participating in them ourselves, pretending we don’t notice when others do it.
Women lying to women isn’t about malice.
Most of the time, these lies come from fear, insecurity, or the crushing weight of trying to meet impossible standards.
But acknowledging these patterns can help us build more authentic connections and maybe, just maybe, drop the exhausting performance we’ve all signed up for.
1) “I’m so busy I barely have time to breathe”
Everyone’s busy.
But some women wear busyness like a badge of honor, as if being overwhelmed proves their worth.
They’ll list every single commitment while secretly having three-hour Netflix sessions most nights.
I used to do this constantly until I realized I was using “busy” as armor.
Being busy meant I was important, needed, valuable.
The truth? Half my schedule was self-imposed chaos I created to avoid sitting with my own thoughts.
Now when someone tells me they’re impossibly busy, I wonder what they’re running from.
2) “I just threw this outfit together”
The carefully curated “effortless” look that took forty-five minutes to achieve.
We’ve all done it.
Pretending our put-together appearance just happened naturally, like we woke up with perfect beachy waves and our clothes magically coordinated themselves.
There’s something deeply sad about feeling like we can’t admit we tried.
As if caring about our appearance makes us shallow or vain.
Meanwhile, everyone knows that “no-makeup makeup look” requires at least six products.
3) “Money isn’t important to me”
This one usually comes from women who either have plenty of money or are desperately trying to appear above material concerns.
They’ll say this while carrying a designer bag or planning their third vacation this year.
Or they’ll say it while secretly stressing about bills every single night.
Money matters.
Pretending otherwise doesn’t make us more evolved or spiritual.
After my divorce, I had to rebuild my finances from scratch.
The friends who pretended money didn’t matter were the same ones who suddenly couldn’t relate to my new reality of budgeting and saying no to dinner plans.
4) “I barely eat anything and still can’t lose weight”
The metabolism myth that everyone perpetuates but nobody believes.
Watch the woman who claims she gains weight from looking at cake demolish half a pizza after two glasses of wine.
We lie about our eating habits constantly.
• Forgetting to mention the kids’ leftover mac and cheese we finished
• Not counting liquid calories
• Pretending that salad we had for lunch wasn’t drowning in ranch dressing
• Conveniently omitting our late-night snacking sessions
Why can’t we just be honest about enjoying food?
The shame around eating normally has become so toxic that we’d rather lie than admit we’re human beings who need and enjoy sustenance.
5) “I’m totally fine with my friend’s success”
Your best friend gets promoted, loses twenty pounds, or finds an amazing partner.
You congratulate her enthusiastically while a small, ugly part of you feels diminished.
You hate yourself for feeling this way, so you overcompensate with excessive praise.
Everyone else sees through the performance.
Jealousy doesn’t make us bad people.
Denying it makes us dishonest ones.
I’ve watched friendships implode because women couldn’t admit to feeling envious, letting that unacknowledged feeling poison every interaction instead.
6) “I never fight with my partner”
The perfect relationship facade that fools absolutely nobody.
Every couple has conflict.
The ones who claim otherwise are either lying or in such deep denial that their relationship is probably already dead.
At my book club, one member spent months telling us how blissful her marriage was.
Her husband left her seemingly out of nowhere.
Later, she admitted they hadn’t had a real conversation in years because she was terrified that any conflict meant failure.
Healthy relationships include disagreement, frustration, and working through difficult emotions together.
Pretending otherwise just isolates us when we need support most.
7) “I don’t care what anyone thinks”
Said by the woman who checks her Instagram likes every five minutes.
We all care what others think to some degree.
The women who proclaim their total independence from others’ opinions are often the most desperate for validation.
They’ve just learned to pretend otherwise.
True confidence doesn’t require announcements.
People who genuinely have healthy boundaries with others’ opinions don’t need to constantly declare it.
8) “My kids are my entire world”
Before anyone attacks me, yes, parents love their children intensely.
But the performance of perfect motherhood has reached absurd levels.
Women claim their children fulfill their every need while secretly mourning their lost identity.
They say they never need a break while fantasizing about running away to a hotel room alone.
Several friends have confided in me that they love their kids but hate being a mother.
The guilt they carry for having any negative feelings about parenthood is crushing.
Meanwhile, they maintain the facade that every moment is blessed and magical.
9) “I would never get work done”
While sporting lips that clearly didn’t grow two sizes naturally.
Or skin that somehow reversed aging through “good genes and water.”
The shame around cosmetic procedures forces women into ridiculous lies.
Everyone can see your face changed.
Pretending your new nose is from contouring isn’t fooling anyone.
Why do we make women feel like they have to lie about choices they make for their own bodies?
The judgment around “natural” beauty has created a culture where honesty about self-improvement becomes impossible.
Final thoughts
These lies exhaust us.
They create distance when we desperately need connection.
They make us feel alone in our struggles when every woman around us is fighting similar battles.
What would happen if we just stopped?
If we admitted we’re tired, jealous sometimes, that we try hard to look good, that relationships are work, that we care what others think?
The energy we spend maintaining these facades could be used to actually support each other.
To build relationships based on truth rather than mutual performance.
Start small.
Next time you’re tempted to minimize your effort or exaggerate your ease, pause.
Consider what honesty might feel like instead.
You might be surprised to find that vulnerability creates the connection we’re all lying to achieve.
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