People who act friendly but secretly dislike you often display these 6 specific behaviors

We’ve all been there, haven’t we? That friend-of-a-friend or co-worker who seems perfectly polite on the surface—but deep down, something feels off. It’s like there’s an undercurrent of tension they never quite address.

I’ve noticed this type of “friendly but not really” behavior in my own circle. Sometimes, it was a subtle shift in tone; other times, a slight roll of the eyes. Instead of calling it out, I used to shrug it off, assuming I was being overly sensitive. 

But with time (and a lot of conversations with trusted friends and mentors), I realized these were clear signals of hidden dislike.

Now, I want to share six specific behaviors I’ve observed in people who mask hostility with a friendly façade.

1. Backhanded compliments

“Wow, I wish I could afford that purse—must be nice to not worry about bills!” 

Ever heard something like that? I sure have. Backhanded compliments are those sneaky remarks wrapped in a smile but laced with a barb. They often leave you feeling unsettled, and wondering if you actually got a compliment or an insult.

From my experience, backhanded compliments are a way for someone to let their resentment peek through without openly admitting it. It’s a subtle form of disrespect because they use flattery to hide an underhanded jab. 

Recognizing this tactic is key, because once you do, you won’t get caught up in their confusing charade.

2. Constant “harmless” teasing

A lot of people hide their dislike in this underhanded way – they’d constantly poke fun under the guise of “just kidding.” 

Of course, teasing can be playful among friends who genuinely care about each other. The problem is when it’s incessant, personal, and never goes both ways.

I had a co-worker who’d target my interests—like yoga and meditation—by calling them “just fancy stretching” or “an excuse to nap.” 

On its own, it might have been a harmless one-liner. But repeated day after day, it became obvious there was some hidden contempt in there. 

As the team at Psychology Today point out, “Teasing can enhance bonding or inflict psychic wounds; it can bind us closer to others or it can tear us apart.”

When teasing constantly makes you uncomfortable, it’s usually not so harmless. I would say pay attention to your gut – more often than not, you’ll be able to tell if the teasing is truly good-natured or something more sinister. 

3. Undermining your achievements

Have you ever gotten excited about a big accomplishment, only to have someone shrug it off like it’s not a big deal? 

This person might say, “Anyone could’ve done that if they had the resources,” or “That job offer was probably easy to land.” It feels dismissive and deflating.

I remember sharing news of a promotion with a social acquaintance who immediately chimed in with, “Yeah, but that company promotes everyone eventually.” 

It was like she was determined to peel away any sense of pride I might have. 

Regardless of what people like these might say, your achievements matter—and they deserve more than a half-hearted pat on the back. 

When someone repeatedly minimizes what you do, it’s often a sign they secretly resent your progress.

4. Passive-aggressive “help”

Picture this: you’re hosting a small gathering at your home, and a friend insists on helping in the kitchen. 

Except every time they do something, they complain—loudly—about how much effort it is. Or they rearrange the dishes in a way that suggests you have no idea what you’re doing. 

The offer to help isn’t genuine support; it’s an opportunity to point out flaws and feel superior.

I’ve found that true friends who want to lend a hand do so with kindness and respect. They ask, “Where can I pitch in?” and don’t make a fuss. 

Genuine assistance comes without strings attached or judgmental overtones. If someone’s “help” feels like a burdensome favor, they might be masking deeper resentment.

5. Excessive gossip

Some folks try to bond by sharing negative stories about others. They might lean in conspiratorially and say, “I heard so-and-so did this thing,” expecting you to jump into a critique session. 

At first, it may come across as harmless chit-chat, but constant gossip is a huge red flag. 

If they’re comfortable tearing others down behind their backs, there’s a good chance they do the same to you.

People who thrive on circulating rumors or negativity usually aren’t your true allies, no matter how friendly they act.

6. Subtle social exclusions

Finally, there’s that unmistakable feeling when someone excludes you in small, seemingly accidental ways. 

Maybe they plan a group outing but “forget” to invite you. Or they share inside jokes in your presence that you’re not in on. 

In isolation, these might seem like minor oversights. But when it happens repeatedly, it starts to feel deliberate.

I’ve seen this play out in a volunteer group I used to be part of. One member kept “accidentally” neglecting to add me to the group chat, which meant I’d be out of the loop on important details. 

It felt hurtful and confusing because she always acted sweet in person. It dawned on me that she was keeping me at a distance while still smiling to my face.

Final thoughts

I’ve learned that our instincts are usually spot on when it comes to discerning genuine warmth from subtle hostility. 

If you’re picking up on any of these behaviors, it might be time to trust your gut. You don’t have to confront every little thing—but being aware helps you protect your well-being and maintain a circle of people who truly care.

If you notice someone in your life consistently showing these signs, step back, set boundaries, and invest more energy in those who genuinely support you. 

We all deserve relationships rooted in respect and kindness, and no one should settle for anything less.