Looking back on childhood, it’s easy to remember the laughter, the birthdays, the friendships, and the small comforts of home.
But if you scratch beneath the surface, there are experiences—many considered completely normal—that can leave quiet scars we don’t recognize until later in life.
What’s tricky is that most of these patterns don’t look harmful on the outside. They may even be seen as signs of “good parenting” or “family bonding.”
But once we reach adulthood, the echoes show up in surprising ways—in our relationships, our self-esteem, even in how we handle conflict.
I’ve seen this not just in my own life, but in former students and colleagues too. The past is always present, shaping us in ways we often don’t realize until something forces us to pause and look back.
Here are eight childhood experiences that might have seemed normal at the time, but can quietly affect you well into adulthood.
1. Being told to “be good” all the time
When children are praised most when they’re quiet, obedient, or “well-behaved,” they often learn that love is tied to compliance.
On the surface, it seems like a small thing—after all, what parent doesn’t want a well-mannered child? But beneath it lies a subtle message: your worth depends on how well you fit expectations.
Psychologists call this conditional regard—the idea that approval comes when you behave “correctly” and is withheld when you don’t. Research shows that conditional regard can lead to diminished self-worth and anxiety around disappointing others.
As an adult, this often shows up as difficulty asserting yourself. You might hesitate to speak up at work, avoid conflict in relationships, or silence your true opinions just to keep the peace.
The child who was told to “be good” grows into the adult who struggles to believe they’re good enough on their own terms.
What’s healing is relearning that you are valued not just for being agreeable, but for being authentic. It can take time, but every moment you choose truth over approval, you take a step away from the old pattern.
2. Constantly being compared to siblings or peers
Have you ever heard, “Why can’t you be more like your brother?” or “She always gets top marks—what happened with you?”
Comparisons were often meant to motivate, but according to psychology, they leave behind a more toxic lesson: love and recognition are conditional on outperforming others.
In adulthood, this can become a lifelong race you never quite win. You might measure yourself against colleagues, neighbors, or even friends, never pausing to feel satisfied with what you’ve achieved.
I saw this with a former student of mine, a bright girl who felt she could never measure up to her older sister. Even when she earned top grades, she brushed them off as “not enough.” It was heartbreaking, but also a clear example of how those early messages linger.
Breaking this cycle as an adult involves recognizing your own unique path. Instead of asking, “Am I doing as well as them?” the more powerful question is, “Am I doing what aligns with me?”
Respecting your own pace and milestones is one of the most liberating steps you can take.
3. Having your feelings brushed off with “You’ll get over it”
This one is subtle but deeply impactful. When children are sad, angry, or afraid, and they’re met with dismissal—“You’ll get over it,” “Don’t be so sensitive,”—they learn that emotions are not to be trusted, or worse, not worth expressing.
The cost of this often shows up later as emotional suppression.
Adults who had their feelings minimized as children may struggle to identify or voice their emotions, leading to strained relationships and internalized stress. Research published in Child Abuse & Neglect highlights that emotional invalidation in childhood can lead to long-term issues with self-regulation and vulnerability.
This is where I found Rudá Iandê’s new book, Laughing in the Face of Chaos: A Politically Incorrect Shamanic Guide for Modern Life, incredibly relevant. He writes: “The more we try to escape or numb the chaos within, the more powerful the currents become, and the harder it becomes to establish a connection with our deeper selves.”
That quote stopped me in my tracks, because it echoes exactly what happens when children are taught to push emotions aside—they carry the chaos with them into adulthood.
The journey back involves giving yourself permission to feel, without judgment. It might mean journaling honestly, talking with a therapist, or simply learning to sit with discomfort.
Every time you validate your own feelings, you undo a little bit of that early conditioning.
4. Growing up around “harmless” family teasing
At family dinners, teasing can seem like love in disguise. “We’re just joking,” parents or siblings say, after pointing out your quirks or flaws.
But repeated teasing, even if brushed off as harmless, can quietly seed insecurity that follows you long after you leave home.
When the people you trust most make fun of you, the voice of self-doubt becomes internalized.
I still remember being teased for my “seriousness” as a teenager. While I laugh about it now, for years I second-guessed myself in social settings, worrying I was too intense or not fun enough. It took conscious work to separate my real identity from those old narratives.
If this rings true for you, the healing lies in reframing. Teasing is someone else’s projection, not your truth. And as an adult, you have the right to choose environments where kindness replaces ridicule.
5. Being pushed to achieve without room for failure
Achievement is often praised, but when failure isn’t allowed, perfectionism takes root.
Many children grow up believing mistakes equal shame, and that belief can shadow their adult lives.
Psychologist Carol Dweck’s research on fixed vs. growth mindset is helpful here. She found that when children are praised only for outcomes instead of effort, they develop a fixed mindset, avoiding challenges for fear of failure.
In adulthood, this often looks like procrastination, burnout, or relentless self-criticism. You may avoid risks that could actually lead to growth, simply because the fear of not being perfect feels too heavy.
Healing starts when you begin to normalize mistakes as part of progress. Whether in work, relationships, or personal goals, failure isn’t the opposite of success—it’s part of the process that shapes resilience.
6. Hearing “We don’t talk about that”
Families often avoid uncomfortable topics—money, addiction, conflict, even mental health.
While the silence may have been intended to protect, it teaches children that problems should be hidden, not addressed.
This conditioning can lead to secrecy and shame in adulthood. Instead of seeking help, many adults learn to bottle up problems or pretend they don’t exist.
Breaking this silence is powerful. As an adult, you can choose to speak openly about what matters, even if it feels uncomfortable at first. Vulnerability can be scary, but it’s also where true connection begins.
7. Always being the peacemaker in family conflicts
Were you the one who smoothed things over during arguments, tried to calm tensions, or kept everyone happy?
Being cast as the family peacemaker may have seemed admirable, but it often sets up a pattern of people-pleasing.
In adulthood, this role can leave you exhausted, constantly absorbing others’ emotions and neglecting your own needs. You may fear conflict so much that you suppress your true feelings just to maintain harmony.
Learning to step out of this role means understanding that other people’s emotions are not your responsibility.
Respecting your own boundaries—and letting others handle their conflicts—is an act of self-respect that takes practice but pays off in peace of mind.
8. Not being given much privacy
Maybe your parents went through your things or brushed off your need for alone time as “being difficult.”
It may have seemed normal at the time, but a lack of privacy in childhood can make it hard to feel safe setting boundaries later in life.
As adults, those raised without privacy often struggle with asserting autonomy in relationships. They may feel guilty asking for space, or tolerate invasions of their personal life without protest.
The antidote is learning to see privacy not as selfishness but as self-care.
Everyone deserves a door they can close, both literally and figuratively. Giving yourself that space as an adult helps rebuild the trust in yourself that was overlooked as a child.
Final thoughts
What’s striking about these experiences is how ordinary they seem. None of them scream “trauma.” And yet, the quiet lessons we absorb in childhood ripple into the way we carry ourselves as adults.
The healing work lies in recognizing the patterns and slowly untying the knots. Each time you validate your own emotions, stop comparing yourself, or set a boundary without guilt, you reclaim a piece of yourself that was muted along the way.
We can’t rewrite childhood, but we can choose how we live now. And the more honest we are about what shaped us, the freer we become to shape what comes next.
Just launched: Laughing in the Face of Chaos by Rudá Iandê
Feel like you’ve done the inner work—but still feel off?
Maybe you’ve explored your personality type, rewritten your habits, even dipped your toes into mindfulness or therapy. But underneath it all, something’s still… stuck. Like you’re living by scripts you didn’t write. Like your “growth” has quietly become another performance.
This book is for that part of you.
In Laughing in the Face of Chaos, Brazilian shaman Rudá Iandê dismantles the myths we unknowingly inherit—from our families, cultures, religions, and the self-help industry itself. With irreverent wisdom and piercing honesty, he’ll help you see the invisible programs running your life… and guide you into reclaiming what’s real, raw, and yours.
No polished “5-step” formula. No chasing perfection. Just the unfiltered, untamed path to becoming who you actually are—underneath the stories.
