Last week, I sat across from a friend who was struggling to understand her feelings about her mother.
“I love her deeply,” she said, stirring her coffee with unnecessary force. “But honestly? I don’t like being around her.”
The guilt in her voice was palpable.
I understood completely.
We’re taught that love and like are supposed to go hand in hand, especially with family.
But psychology tells us something different. You can absolutely love someone while not particularly liking them. And recognizing this distinction might actually save your relationships.
The science behind love versus like
Psychologists have long recognized that love and like operate through different psychological mechanisms.
Love often stems from attachment bonds, shared history, and deep emotional investment.
Like, on the other hand, relates more to compatibility, shared values, and enjoying someone’s company.
According to Psychology Today, “Love is not the same as like, and it’s entirely possible to love someone you don’t like.”
Think about it this way.
Love is often unconditional, especially with family members.
Like is earned through positive interactions and compatibility.
Growing up in a household where arguments were the norm, I learned this distinction early.
I loved my parents fiercely, but there were long stretches where I didn’t like the tension, the raised voices, or the way they handled conflict.
It took me a while, but eventually I learned that this doesn’t make me ungrateful or unloving. It makes me human.
Why we feel guilty about not liking someone we love
Society has conditioned us to believe that love should encompass everything.
If you love someone, you should want to spend time with them. You should enjoy their company. You should feel warm and fuzzy when they call.
But real life is messier than that.
Maybe your sibling has values that clash dramatically with yours.
Perhaps your parent is critical in ways that drain your energy.
Your longtime friend might have developed habits that you find frustrating.
The guilt comes from believing we’re somehow failing at love.
We’re not. We’re simply experiencing the full spectrum of human relationships.
During my first marriage, I discovered that love alone wasn’t enough to sustain daily happiness.
I loved my ex-husband, but over time, I realized I didn’t like the life we were building together.
Our divorce at 34 was amicable precisely because we could acknowledge this truth.
Love remained, but like had faded.
When family dynamics complicate everything
Family relationships are where this love-versus-like dynamic shows up most intensely.
After all, you don’t choose your family. You’re bonded through biology and shared history, not necessarily through compatibility.
Psychology Today notes that “You can love your family members deeply while recognizing that you might not choose them as friends.”
This hit home for me recently during a family gathering.
As a highly sensitive person, I find loud environments overwhelming. Unfortunately, my family tends toward boisterous celebrations.
I love them. I want them to be happy and healthy. But after two hours of overlapping conversations and sensory overload, I need to retreat.
Some family members interpret this as rejection.
It’s not. It’s self-preservation.
Here’s what helps me navigate these situations:
• I set time limits for visits before I arrive
• I take breaks to step outside or find a quiet corner
• I remind myself that protecting my energy doesn’t diminish my love
• I communicate my needs clearly without apologizing for them
The freedom in accepting this truth
Once you accept that love and like can exist separately, something shifts.
You stop forcing relationships into boxes they don’t fit.
You release the pressure to feel certain ways.
You give yourself permission to have boundaries.
I’ve watched friends exhaust themselves trying to like difficult relatives.
They plan elaborate visits, hoping this time will be different. Instead, they leave feeling depleted and guilty.
What if instead, we accepted the relationship for what it is?
You can love someone from a distance.
You can wish them well without being their primary support system.
You can honor the love while acknowledging the incompatibility.
How to navigate relationships when love and like don’t align
First, drop the guilt. Feeling this way doesn’t make you a bad person.
Next, adjust your expectations. Stop waiting for the relationship to transform into something it’s not.
Accept what is, rather than mourning what isn’t. Set boundaries that protect your wellbeing.
If phone calls with someone you love but don’t like leave you drained, limit them. Schedule them when you have energy to spare, and don’t answer when you don’t.
I also suggest finding the right distance. After all, some relationships work better with more space, while others need careful structure.
Through trial and error, you’ll discover what works.
Also, practice radical honesty with yourself. You don’t need to announce to someone that you don’t like them, but being honest with yourself about your feelings creates clarity.
As the team at Psychology Today wisely points out, “Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is maintain a respectful distance.”
What this means for your mental health
Pretending to like someone you don’t is exhausting.
It creates cognitive dissonance that drains your mental resources. You’re constantly monitoring your reactions, forcing enthusiasm, suppressing your true feelings.
Over time, this takes a toll.
When you accept the love-like distinction, you free up enormous mental energy. You stop performing. You stop pretending.
You show up as yourself, even if that means showing up less often.
For highly sensitive people like me, this distinction is crucial, as we feel everything more intensely. Forced interactions with people we don’t genuinely enjoy can leave us depleted for days.
Learning to honor both feelings has been transformative for me. I can love people without subjecting myself to dynamics that harm my wellbeing.
Final thoughts
The next time you feel guilty about loving someone you don’t particularly like, pause.
Remember that both feelings can coexist. One doesn’t cancel out the other.
Love doesn’t require you to enjoy every moment together. It doesn’t demand that you share interests, values, or communication styles.
In fact, love means accepting fundamental differences, even if it sometimes means loving from afar.
I believe everyone is doing their best with their current level of awareness.
The relative you find difficult is struggling with their own challenges.
The friend whose choices frustrate you is navigating life with the tools they have.
You can hold compassion for their journey while choosing to limit your exposure to it.
Can you think of someone in your life who fits this category? Someone you love but don’t necessarily like? What would change if you stopped feeling guilty about it?
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