9 phrases narcissists use to control their partner in a relationship

Narcissism isn’t about self-love. It’s about control, manipulation, and the relentless pursuit of self-interest.

The difference lies in the intent. The narcissist uses words not to communicate, but to dominate, to trap, to confuse.

In relationships, narcissists use carefully chosen phrases as their weapons of choice. These phrases are designed to keep their partner off balance and under their thumb.

In this article, I’m going to share some phrases that narcissists commonly use to maintain control in their relationships. 

Once you can recognize them, you’ll be better equipped to deal with this kind of manipulation.

Get ready to peek into the manipulative world of a narcissist.

1) “You’re too sensitive”

It’s crucial to recognize that emotions are valid and significant. 

However, narcissists often undermine their partner’s feelings by labeling them as too sensitive.

This is a classic tactic used by narcissists to deflect blame and maintain control. By categorizing their partner’s reactions as excessive, they invalidate genuine feelings of hurt or discomfort.

Imagine this scenario. A narcissist might say something harmful or offensive, and when their partner reacts, they’ll retort with this phrase.

It’s designed to make the victim question their own feelings and responses.

The goal here isn’t just to escape accountability.

It’s also about creating a sense of insecurity and self-doubt in their partner. 

Over time, this can erode the person’s self-esteem and make them more susceptible to the narcissist’s control.

So if you hear this phrase too often in your relationship, take notice. It may be more manipulative than you think.

2) “I never said that”

In my previous relationship, I found myself constantly questioning my own memory. My partner would make a promise or a commitment, and then completely deny it later on. 

When I would confront him about it, his response was always the same – “I never said that”.

This is known as gaslighting, a technique narcissists use to make their partners doubt their own perception of events. By doing this, they maintain control and keep their partners off balance.

It took me a while to recognize this pattern but when I did, it was a game changer.

By understanding that this was a manipulation tactic, I was able to regain my confidence in my own perceptions and memories.

Remember, if you find yourself constantly questioning your memory in your relationship, it might be a red flag. Trust in your own experiences and perceptions.

3) “If you really loved me”

This phrase is a form of emotional blackmail. The narcissist is essentially saying, “If you don’t do what I want, it means you don’t love me.” It’s a way for them to control their partner’s behavior while avoiding direct responsibility for their demands.

The sad truth is, according to psychologist Dr. Susan Forward, most adults have been emotionally blackmailed by a loved one at some point in their lives.

“If you really loved me” puts the partner in a difficult position. It’s a lose-lose situation. If they give in to the demand, they are relinquishing control. If they stand their ground, they risk being accused of not caring.

Be wary of this phrase. True love isn’t about control or manipulation, it’s about mutual respect and understanding.

4) “You’re just like…”

The narcissist uses it to highlight your perceived flaws and shortcomings, often in an attempt to make you feel inadequate or inferior.

What’s worse is that this phrase often comes out of nowhere, catching you off guard. One moment you’re having a casual conversation, and the next you’re being compared to someone else in a negative way.

The purpose here is to create self-doubt and insecurity. When you feel insufficient or lacking, you’re more likely to strive for the narcissist’s approval and validation – and that’s exactly what they want.

Recognize this tactic for what it is: a form of control. You are not defined by who a narcissist compares you to. You are uniquely you, with your own strengths and qualities. Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.

5) “It’s all your fault”

Narcissists are notorious for avoiding personal responsibility and blaming others for their own shortcomings or mistakes. 

This phrase shifts the blame onto their partner, creating a sense of guilt and causing them to question their own actions.

The purpose of this tactic is to divert attention away from the narcissist’s behavior while making their partner feel responsible for any problems in the relationship. 

By doing this, the narcissist maintains control and keeps their partner in a constant state of self-doubt and guilt.

Everyone makes mistakes and it’s important to take responsibility for them.

But if you’re always being blamed for everything that goes wrong, even when it’s clearly not your fault, that’s a sign of manipulation. 

Healthy relationships involve mutual respect, understanding, and accountability.

6) “No one else would want you”

This phrase is designed to erode self-esteem, making the partner feel undesirable and unworthy of love.

It’s a cruel form of manipulation that preys on insecurities, causing the person to believe they’re lucky to be with the narcissist, despite their abusive behavior. 

The goal is to make the person feel trapped in the relationship out of fear that no one else will love them.

However, I want you to know that this is absolutely untrue. Everyone deserves love, respect, and kindness. Don’t ever let anyone make you feel otherwise.

If your partner frequently tells you that no one else would want you, remember that it’s not a reflection of your worth, but rather a sign of their need to control and manipulate. 

You are worthy of a healthy, loving relationship. Never forget that.

7) “Do it for me”

In relationships, it’s natural to want to make your partner happy. 

I remember a time when I was constantly bending over backwards to accommodate my partner’s wishes. 

Every time I questioned the fairness or necessity of what they were asking, I would hear “Do it for me”. It was always presented as a small favor – something that shouldn’t be a big deal if I really cared about them.

Over time, I realized that these “small favors” were actually ways of controlling my behavior. By asking me to do something for them, my partner was able to get their way without appearing demanding or controlling.

In a healthy relationship, both partners should feel comfortable expressing their needs without resorting to guilt or pressure.

8) “You always…”

Narcissists often use absolute terms like “always” or “never” to criticize their partners. Phrases like “You always forget to…” or “You never listen to me…” are common examples.

These absolute statements are a form of generalization used to criticize and belittle. They serve to highlight a partner’s perceived shortcomings while ignoring their positive attributes or efforts.

This is particularly harmful because it implies that the behavior is a persistent flaw. It’s a way for the narcissist to paint their partner in a negative light and gain the upper hand in disagreements or conflicts.

Remember, nobody is perfect, and everyone makes mistakes. Healthy communication involves constructive feedback, not blanket criticisms.

9) “I’m the only one who truly understands you”

This phrase is designed to create a sense in their partner that they are uniquely understood and known by the narcissist. It’s meant to make the partner feel special and valued, but its true purpose is more insidious.

By asserting that they are the only one who truly gets their partner, the narcissist is subtly cutting off their partner from other relationships and support systems. 

It’s a way to isolate their partner and make them more dependent on the narcissist.

This is dangerous because it can lead to a sense of dependency and make it harder for the partner to seek help or escape from the abusive relationship.

Please know this: No matter how well someone knows you, they should never use that knowledge as a means to isolate you or control you. 

You are your own person, with your own worth, independent of anyone’s understanding or perception of you.

Ultimately, it’s about respect

Navigating the labyrinth of human relationships is no small feat, and understanding the complexities of narcissistic behaviors can be even more challenging.

The phrases we’ve discussed are not just words. They’re tools narcissists use to control their partners. 

Recognizing these phrases can be a significant step towards understanding and addressing the dynamics of a potentially abusive relationship.

American author and political activist, Gloria Steinem, once said, “We’ve begun to raise daughters more like sons… but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters.” 

This can serve as a reminder of the importance of fostering empathy, respect, and emotional intelligence in our relationships.

In essence, it’s not just about understanding narcissistic behaviors. It’s about reinforcing the idea that every individual deserves respect, kindness, and genuine love in a relationship. 

It’s about remembering that manipulation is not love and control is not care.

As we journey through life and relationships, let us remember to treat others with the dignity they deserve while also ensuring we receive the same. 

After all, relationships should be safe havens of mutual respect and love, not battlegrounds for control and manipulation.