7 phrases high-level manipulators love to use, according to psychology

High-level manipulators don’t care about anyone but themselves. They’ll stop at nothing to gain control of you and get you to do what they want. 

They prey on innocent, unassuming victims who trust easily and see the good in everyone. For them, it’s all about gaining your trust and friendship so they can use it to influence and control your actions for their own benefit. 

Here’s the thing: manipulators don’t look like monsters on the outside. They usually come across as confident, charismatic, and charming individuals and make friends easily. This makes them incredibly difficult to spot. 

If you pay close attention, there are a few common phrases most high-level manipulators love to use, according to psychology. Today we’re sharing 7 of those phrases to help you spot a manipulator and stop them in their tracks. 

It might surprise you how innocent some of these phrases sound.

Are you ready? Let’s get started.  

1) “You always/you never…”

Do you know anyone who’s in the habit of using absolute statements a lot? They’ll say things like “You always choose your friends over me” or “You never listen to anything I have to say”. 

Firstly, generalized statements using words like ‘never’ and ‘always’ are rarely accurate as most things aren’t simply black and white. In the moment, maybe the person isn’t listening, but it’s probably not accurate to say they never listen. 

So why do manipulators use these phrases? 

Here’s the kicker: using generalized sweeping statements is a way for manipulators to undermine you, make you feel flawed, and chip away at your self-esteem. They know that people who lack self-esteem are easier to control and influence. 

Mental health coach Darius Cikanavicius explains that being reliant on other people’s opinions for validation and self-esteem “makes us vulnerable to being manipulated.”

Take note of people in your life who use big-sweeping statements like “You always/You never”  to highlight your flaws and shortcomings, it’s a phrase high-level manipulators love to use. 

2) “I’m sorry you feel that way” 

At first glance this phrase seems pretty innocent to me, they’re apologizing so what’s the problem? 

Let’s take a closer look. 

When someone has been hurt, they want an apology for the behavior that caused their hurt, not someone to say “Sorry you feel that way”. This is a sneaky phrase manipulative people use to avoid taking responsibility for their actions.

At the same time, it’s like they’re suggesting that your feelings are the problem and not their behavior. Dismissing your feelings like this and making it seem like they’re ‘wrong’ is known as emotional invalidation and it’s a common manipulative tactic. 

If someone is constantly apologizing for how you feel rather than how they’ve behaved, it’s a sign you’re dealing with a high-level manipulator.

3) “I’ve never told anyone this before” 

This is a classic phrase manipulators love to use that would fool most of us, right? 

Remember: manipulation won’t work unless the manipulator can gain the trust and friendship of the victim. Most manipulators have this knack for making friends and gaining the trust of others quickly. And using this phrase is one of the ways they do it. 

Think about it: when someone shares something deeply private and personal with you that they’ve ‘never told anyone before’ they’re being vulnerable with you. But in this case their vulnerability isn’t genuine, it’s a trick to fool you into trusting them. 

Genuine vulnerability “helps build trust and honesty with others, fosters empathy, and builds stronger bonds”. Being seemingly open like this encourages you to do the same and then it’s easier to control you. 

It’s a truly wonderful thing when someone trusts you and opens up to you, just be wary of people who seem to use this phrase a lot, it could be a hint they’re more interested in manipulation than real friendship. 

4) “If you really cared about me” 

 Ever heard someone use this phrase? It’s a typical phrase high-level manipulators use to pressure you into doing something that you’re not keen to do. 

Back when I was friends with a very manipulative person, I’d hear this phrase a lot. He’d say things like “If you really cared about me you’d ditch your other plans and hang out with me”. 

It might be hard to believe but when you’re under the spell of a manipulator, this phrase can have a big impact and make you do things you don’t really want to do. 

The thing is: no one should be pressuring you into doing anything you’re not comfortable with. This is emotional blackmail and a clear sign of manipulation. 

As soon as you hear someone using a phrase like this, it’s time to reassess your relationship with them and recognize they could be manipulating you. 

5) “You don’t understand what I’m going through”

Do you know anyone who always seems to be the victim in every story they tell you?

Playing the victim is a go-to tactic for many manipulators and they’ll often use the phrase “You don’t understand what I’m going through” to do it.

Manipulators like to make their problems seem bigger and more difficult than they really are. They’re purposely trying to get you to feel sorry for them.

This phrase works well because not only do you feel sympathy for them, but it also makes you feel guilty for not being able to understand what they’re going through. 

The guilt trip is very effective because when you feel bad, you’ll do anything to make up for it. That means you’re more likely to give in to their demands and that’s exactly what the manipulator wants. 

When you hear someone say “You don’t understand what I’m going through” it’s a sign it’s a manipulator at work, playing the victim and making people feel sorry for them. Don’t fall for it. 

6) “I never said that” 

When you hear someone say “I never said that” when they clearly did, it’s a textbook example of gaslighting, another common manipulation tactic. 

“Victims of gaslighting are deliberately and systematically fed false information that leads them to question what they know to be true, often about themselves” as noted by Psychology Today.

When you’re being manipulated, you trust and respect your manipulator. And you believe them when they say “I never said that” which makes you question yourself and what you know to be true. That’s why the simple phrase “I never said that” is incredibly powerful.  

You start to feel like you’re losing your mind and you look to the people you trust most to guide you. At this stage, the manipulator has you exactly where they want you. 

Watch out for people who deny things they’ve previously said and regularly try to distort the truth.

7) “I hate to ask, but..” 

Manipulators know every trick in the book when it comes to playing with your feelings. This is another phrase that probably seems quite innocent at first, but believe me, it’s anything but. 

“I hate to ask, but..” is used by manipulators to make it seem as though they feel bad for even asking for something. Yet they’re asking anyway, which makes you think “They must be desperate” right? This engages your empathy and makes it very hard to say no. 

It’s a subtle form of reverse psychology: by using this phrase at the beginning, you feel compelled to help and to reassure them that it’s no problem. You might hear yourself saying:

“No, no honestly it’s no trouble at all, it’s the least I can do for you. Don’t mention it”. 

In a matter of minutes, you’ve gone from being too busy to help anyone with anything to now insisting that you’ll help them and you won’t take no for an answer. 

It’s always good to help someone in need but if the same person always seems like they’re in a desperate emergency and asking you for help is a last resort, take note as you may be falling victim to manipulation without even realizing it. 

Final thoughts

There you have it, 7 phrases that high-level manipulators love to use. Have you heard any of these phrases from anyone you know? 

Some of these phrases sound very innocent but are surprisingly manipulative, right?  

Being aware of some of the most common phrases that manipulators love to use will help you stay sharp and avoid becoming their next victim.