11 phrases a toxic partner will use to overstep boundaries, according to psychology

Words have a power of their own. 

Although both negative and positive words can stick, we can all agree that a toxic phrase can hurt for years. When you’re dealing with anger or sadness, it might be tempting to say something toxic. 

You must avoid saying something you’ll regret later. Cruel words can break a relationship, even if you didn’t mean for that to happen. 

In this article, we’ll delve into the most common toxic phrases a partner might use, so you can check whether you or your significant other have used them in the past. It’s never too late to change the way we communicate. 

Most importantly, we owe respect to our partners and friendships, and nobody deserves to deal with toxicity. 

Without further ado, let’s explore the 11 phrases a toxic partner will use to overstep boundaries, according to psychology. 

1) “I hate you”

Hate isn’t a word to throw around lightly. It’s a powerful word, and using it in an argument can hurt the other person in a way you won’t be able to predict. 

We all have arguments and days when the other person gets on our nerves, but it doesn’t mean that we hate them. If you do, you shouldn’t be with them in the first place. Strong statements like that can make someone feel insecure, second-guessing the relationship. 

If you want to express yourself more healthily, you can say things like “I need space to think right now” or “I’m too angry to argue rationally now”. 

2) “You wouldn’t be a great parent”

In a relationship, you and the other person know each other’s insecurities. When you play on them, you’re being toxic. It undermines the trust in the relationship. 

Would you tell someone about the things that hurt you if you knew the other person was going to use it against you?

For example, if you’re struggling with the routine of caring for a child and yourself, and your partner blames you when something goes wrong or says something like, “This is because you were spoiled as a child,” how do you think you’ll feel?

Instead, you can say something like “I think we need to readjust the routine, how can we optimize the time we have?” Acknowledge that your partner might be sensitive about it, and try to communicate without hurting them to reach a solution. 

Remember, it’s both of you against a problem and not you against each other. 

3) “Don’t make a big deal out of it”

This is the most normal thing to hear in toxic couples. It’s a way to stop someone from arguing, even if the other person has valid reasons to be upset. Even though something is a big deal, they will say it’s not. 

Small problems tend to become important if they’re ignored all the time.

Have an open and honest discussion about whatever is worrying you, and decide between you both if something is a big deal or not. You both need to agree to let something go or work on it, it can’t be one-sided. 

Remember that whatever you don’t speak about now will come out at some point, and not in the best way. 

4) “Why aren’t you more like X person?”

One of the worst things you can do is compare your partner to someone else. That is cruel, and it brings out the insecurities in the other person, especially for women, who are usually the ones dealing with self-image issues. 

When you tell someone you wish they were more like someone else, the message is clear: they’re not good enough. As a consequence, questions such as “Am I worthy of love” can come up. 

Fortunately, it’s easy to change the way you speak. You can say things like, “A skirt like that would look great on you,” or “I think you’re gonna love this makeup look.”

5) “Let it go”

Between “it’s not a big deal” and “let it go”, we could write a book about the toxicity in words that sound simple. When you’re at the height of the emotional response, and someone says, “Let it go,” it can feel like they don’t care enough. 

It happens a lot with work problems. When you arrive home, you might want to rant a little bit about someone who’s bothering you. If your partner says, “Let it go,” it feels like they’re diminishing you or tired of hearing you. 

You don’t need your partner to solve all your problems; most of the time, you just need them to listen to you and support you. Saying things like let it go doesn’t make anything easier. 

6) “I don’t care what you think”

The fastest way to make someone fall out of love with you is by treating them without care. Even if you don’t agree with something they say, it’s important to stay respectful. 

I’d argue that saying this phrase to friends or family is also toxic. Your partner and you won’t always see eye-to-eye, but you need to communicate effectively. Putting them down is unnecessary and cruel, and that’s what toxic people do. 

Instead, you can say, “I don’t agree, but I am happy to hear your perspective.” 

7) “Calm yourself down”

When you’re upset, and someone says that it only upsets you, especially if the other person overstepped your boundaries. 

Pathological love, which is a behavioral addiction in which a person can’t stop reproducing toxic dynamics with their partner, is linked to impulsivity. 

If someone’s angry, the best course of action is letting them rant, listening to them, and waiting until they’ve calmed down on their own. It’s never good to try to manage someone else’s emotional reactions. 

When you’re in a toxic relationship, these things might seem normal, but they are not. 

8) “You’re crazy”

Insulting someone’s perception and making them doubt themselves is called “Gaslighting,” and it’s a technique that most toxic people use with the people closest to them. 

It’s very effective when someone wants to undermine the other person’s perception of reality. 

It’s also easy to fall into this if you’re arguing: calling someone crazy is both insulting, and it serves as a (bad) way to deal with a heightened emotional response. It makes it look like the problem is the other person. 

Instead, try saying things like “this response is making things worse”, or “we’ll talk after we’ve calmed down.” 

Don’t let yourself be manipulated into thinking you’re crazy, and don’t try to manipulate someone else. 

9) “I’m over you”

When you’re arguing, and your partner threatens to end the relationship by saying things like “I’m done,” “I can’t deal with you anymore,” or “I’m leaving,” it’s a sign of toxicity. The normal reaction is to feel like the relationship isn’t safe or stable. 

This undermines the trust you have with each other, and ultimately it can lead you both to break up. 

The best course of action is to say things like “I need to take a moment”, or “we need to talk when we’re both cool-headed”. 

When you threaten to leave, you should be prepared to follow through. 

10) “But…”

“But” isn’t a bad word or phrase in and of itself, but it can be badly used. It becomes a part of toxic arguments when you use it to “win” an argument with your partner. 

In a serious argument, nobody has to lose. You both have things to learn; that’s the key thing to understand. 

When you learn how to listen, you’re not waiting to debate with your partner: you learn from them and offer truthful and loving advice. Looking to argue and say “but” to everything they have an opinion about is a way of undermining their self-confidence. 

If you argue everything they say, they might feel like they shouldn’t talk at all. Constant confrontation is a toxic dynamic. 

For example, if your partner wants to change careers and all you can come up with is “but you’re too old for that”, you cause them to question themselves and their dreams. The role of a partner is to uplift the other person, not to bring them down. 

This is why “but” can become a toxic word. If you’re arguing with everything your partner says, you are being a negative person. 

11) “If you loved me, you’d do the X thing for me”

When your partner forces you to do things you don’t wanna do for them, you know you’re in a toxic relationship. 

You might be used to it from your childhood or from the dynamic of the relationship itself, but it’s not normal. 

A study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that if you witnessed your parents arguing in your childhood, it could affect your attitude toward romantic relationships as an adult. In a nutshell, you might find safety in toxic relationships. 

Consider saying things like “Help me with this” or “Would you mind doing x thing for me?”

To sum up

When you’ve entered a toxic relationship, it might feel difficult to come out, but it’s not impossible. Consider counseling if you need to, and work on communication within the relationship. 

If you or the other person don’t want to change, things might get a little more difficult. Remember, communication is a skill that can be learned and improved just as much as other skills. 

Your relationship is not doomed until one or two of you have reached the limit.