There’s a clear distinction between arguing with integrity and arguing without it.
It’s all about respect.
People with genuine integrity have a certain way of arguing. They don’t resort to low blows or cheap shots. Instead, they focus on the issue at hand.
And let me tell you, there are specific things they steer clear of saying during an argument.
In this article, we’ll explore what people with real integrity never say when they’re in the heat of a disagreement.
1) “You always…”
In any argument, people with genuine integrity understand the potential harm of using absolutes.
Absolute statements like “You always do this…” or “You never do that…” are a no-go. These blanket accusations are not only unfair, but they often derail the conversation from the actual issue at hand.
People with integrity understand that these words can shut down communication and put the other person on the defensive. They know that it’s not about winning or losing the argument, but about reaching a resolution.
So, instead of using absolutes, they focus on the specific issue and express their feelings without blaming or shaming the other person.
Avoid using absolute statements. They’re not only inaccurate; they can also intensify the conflict instead of resolving it.
2) “I told you so…”
I remember there was this one time when my friend and I were working on a project together. We had different ideas about how to go about it.
Eventually, my friend’s approach didn’t work out as expected. Even though I knew my approach would’ve worked better, I didn’t say, “I told you so.”
Why?
Because saying “I told you so” wouldn’t have helped the situation. It would have just served to make my friend feel bad and I feel superior. Instead, we talked it out and came up with a new approach that combined our ideas.
What I’m trying to say is, that people with integrity understand that the aim of an argument is to find a solution, not to prove supremacy. They focus on constructive dialogue instead of resorting to phrases that can make the other person feel bad.
3) “It’s all your fault.”
When it comes to arguments, those with genuine integrity avoid playing the blame game. They refrain from saying things like, “It’s all your fault.”
Playing the blame game is not only unproductive, but it can also escalate the situation. According to psychology, blaming one’s partner during a disagreement can lead to increased marital dissatisfaction over time.
Instead, people with integrity focus on discussing the issue at hand. They understand that blaming others doesn’t resolve anything but only serves to create animosity. They aim for constructive conversation where both parties can express their feelings and work towards a resolution.
4) “Whatever.”
This dismissive phrase is a big no for people with strong integrity during an argument. “Whatever” is often used to avoid confrontation or to express indifference, but it can also be a sign of disrespect.
When someone says “whatever,” it can feel like they are belittling the other person’s feelings or opinions. It can shut down the conversation and prevent any resolution from being reached.
Those with integrity understand the importance of maintaining respect during a disagreement.
They listen to the other person’s point of view, even if they disagree, and they avoid dismissive phrases that can damage the relationship. Instead, they opt for phrases that show they value the other person’s perspective and are willing to find common ground, even in the midst of an argument.
5) “You’re just too sensitive.”
People with genuine integrity steer clear of phrases that belittle the feelings or reactions of others during an argument.
Saying “You’re just too sensitive” is a classic example of this.
This phrase can be used as a way to deflect responsibility and invalidate the other person’s feelings. It can make the other person feel dismissed and unheard, which is the opposite of constructive communication.
If you have integrity, you understand the importance of acknowledging and respecting the feelings of others, even during a disagreement. So you’ll aim to keep the conversation focused on resolving the issue rather than criticizing personal traits.
Don’t resort to saying, “You’re just too sensitive.” Instead, try saying something like, “I can see that you feel strongly about this. Let’s try to find a solution that works for both of us.”
6) “You’re wrong.”
In my heart, I believe that every viewpoint is important. Each of us has a unique perspective shaped by our experiences, beliefs, and values.
So, when we say, “You’re wrong,” what we’re doing is failing to acknowledge the validity of someone else’s perspective.
Simply stating “you’re wrong” can be counterproductive. It shuts down the possibility of a meaningful conversation, and it can make the other person feel attacked.
Those with integrity recognize this. They approach differences of opinion with an open mind and a respectful attitude. Instead of flatly stating “You’re wrong,” they might say something like, “I see things differently; can we talk about this?”
This way, you create a safe space for open dialogue where both parties can express their viewpoints without fear of being dismissed or invalidated.
7) “I don’t care.”
I remember a time when I was going through a rough patch. My feelings were raw, and my emotions were high.
During a disagreement with a friend, they said, “I don’t care” in response to my concerns. It felt like a punch in the gut. It was as if my feelings didn’t matter.
During an argument, people with genuine integrity avoid uttering the phrase “I don’t care.” They understand that this phrase can be hurtful and dismissive, shutting down any opportunity for healthy communication.
They know that everyone’s feelings and opinions matter, so they choose their words carefully, especially during a disagreement, to ensure they’re not unintentionally causing hurt or distress.
A better phrase to use would be, “Let’s take a break and revisit this later when we’re both calm.”
This shows respect for the other person’s feelings and fosters a more constructive environment for resolving the disagreement.
8) “You never understand.”
People with genuine integrity avoid making sweeping generalizations during an argument, such as saying, “You never understand.” This phrase can make the other person feel dismissed and devalued.
Such statements can escalate the disagreement and create more distance between the individuals involved. They can also breed resentment and discourage open, honest communication.
Those with integrity aim to create understanding during a disagreement. Instead of accusing the other person of never understanding, they make an effort to explain their viewpoint clearly and patiently.
They might say, “I feel like I’m not getting my point across clearly. Let me try to explain it in a different way.”
By saying this instead, they encourage dialogue and understanding, helping to defuse tension and work towards a resolution.
9) “If you really loved me…”
Using love as a bargaining chip to win an argument isn’t just unhealthy; it’s destructive to the relationship. It creates unnecessary pressure and guilt and can lead to resentment over time.
People with integrity know how important it is to respect the boundaries and feelings of others, even during a disagreement.
They understand that love isn’t about winning an argument, but about understanding, respect, and compromise, so they communicate their needs and wants without resorting to manipulation or guilt-tripping.
Final thoughts: The essence of integrity
The crux of integrity lies not just in our actions but also in our words, especially during the heat of an argument.
Aristotle once said, “Character may almost be called the most effective means of persuasion.” This holds true even more so during disagreements. The way we argue reflects our character and integrity.
Whether it’s avoiding generalizations, refraining from blame games, or resisting emotional blackmail, their approach to disagreements is rooted in respect and understanding.
As you handle your disagreements, remember that your words hold power. They can either build bridges or create walls. Choose them wisely, and let them reflect your integrity.
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