I’ve spent years getting tangled up in the small stuff. You know what I mean, right? That person who cut you off in traffic this morning. The colleague who took credit for your idea. The WiFi that decided to stop working right before an important call.
We all have these moments where trivial things consume way more mental energy than they deserve. But a few years back, I stumbled upon Stoic philosophy. It completely changed how I approach these daily irritations.
The Stoics had this remarkable ability to see through the noise and focus on what really mattered.
Today, I want to share fivequestions that have genuinely transformed how I navigate life’s annoyances. These aren’t just philosophical musings; they’re practical tools I use daily, whether I’m dealing with a difficult person, writer’s block, or just the general chaos of living.
1. Is this within my control?
This is the big one, folks. The grandfather of all Stoic questions. Epictetus, one of my favorite Stoic philosophers, actually called this “the chief task in life.” He taught that we should clearly distinguish between what’s in our control and what isn’t.
Think about your typical stress triggers. Traffic jams, other people’s opinions, the weather, stock market fluctuations, your neighbor’s loud music at 2 AM. None of these are actually within your control. Yet how much mental energy do we burn getting worked up about them?
When I was running my language school years ago, I’d lose sleep over things like competitors opening nearby, or students dropping out for reasons that had nothing to do with our teaching quality. It was exhausting.
Now, whenever something starts to bother me, this is my first checkpoint. Can I control this? If the answer is no, I consciously choose to let it go. If yes, I focus on what actions I can take.
The beauty of this question is its simplicity. It takes about two seconds to ask, but it can save you hours of mental anguish.
2. Will this matter in five years?
I picked this one up from both Stoic teachings and modern psychology, and it’s become my go-to reality check. Marcus Aurelius frequently wrote about the impermanence of things and how most of what we worry about fades into insignificance with time.
Most of our daily frustrations fail this five-year test spectacularly. That rude email from a colleague? Won’t matter. The person who criticized your work on social media? Forgotten. The party invitation you didn’t receive? Completely irrelevant to your life’s trajectory.
This question acts like a mental filter, helping you identify what deserves your emotional investment and what doesn’t. If it won’t matter in five years, it probably shouldn’t ruin your day today.
3. What would happen if I chose not to have an opinion about this?
Marcus Aurelius wrote something that absolutely floored me when I first read it. He said, “You have power over your mind, not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.”
But here’s the kicker: he took it even further by suggesting we don’t need to have an opinion about everything. Think about that for a second. In our current world where everyone’s expected to have a hot take on every single issue, this is revolutionary.
I used to be the guy with opinions about everything. Politics in countries I’d never visited, celebrity relationships, other people’s career choices, you name it. Each opinion came with emotional baggage. Approval, disapproval, anger, frustration, all of it taking up mental real estate.
Then I started experimenting with simply not having opinions about things that didn’t directly affect my life or my values. Someone’s wearing something I wouldn’t wear? No opinion needed. A distant acquaintance made a life choice I wouldn’t make? Not my business, no opinion required.
The mental clarity that comes from this is incredible. It’s like decluttering your mind the same way you’d declutter your house. You realize how many things you’ve been carrying opinions about that simply don’t require one.
This doesn’t mean becoming apathetic about important issues. It means being selective about what deserves your mental energy. Save your opinions for things that truly matter to you, things you can influence, things aligned with your values.
4. Am I confusing my preferences with necessities?
This question has saved me from so much unnecessary suffering. Seneca, the Stoic philosopher and advisor to emperors, lived a life of wealth but regularly practiced voluntary poverty to remind himself of the difference between what he preferred and what he actually needed.
Being in Southeast Asia has taught me this lesson repeatedly. Things I thought were necessities back home turned out to be mere preferences. Hot water? Preference. Car? Preference. Western food? Definitely a preference.
We create so much mental turbulence by treating our preferences as if they’re necessities. The coffee shop being out of oat milk isn’t a crisis; it’s a minor deviation from preference. Your flight being delayed isn’t a disaster; it’s an inconvenience to your preferred schedule.
I remember getting incredibly frustrated once because a restaurant got my order wrong. I was hungry, tired, and just wanted what I’d ordered. But then I caught myself. Was I actually suffering, or was I just not getting my preference? I had food in front of me, I wasn’t going hungry, I was simply experiencing something different from what I’d anticipated.
This mental shift is powerful. When you recognize something as a preference rather than a necessity, its power to upset you diminishes dramatically. You can still work toward your preferences, but you don’t need to suffer when you don’t get them.
5. What story am I telling myself about this situation?
Epictetus taught that it’s not events themselves that disturb us, but our judgments about them. In modern terms, it’s not what happens to us, but the story we tell ourselves about what happens.
How many stories do we create that have little to do with reality? Someone doesn’t text back immediately, and we craft a narrative about how they don’t value our friendship. A project gets rejected, and we tell ourselves we’re failures. A stranger looks at us funny, and we spend an hour wondering what’s wrong with our appearance.
These stories we create are often far more dramatic and negative than reality. They’re based on incomplete information, colored by our insecurities, and rarely accurate.
When something bothers me now, I try to identify the story I’m telling myself. Then I ask: Is this definitely true? Could there be another explanation? What would this look like if I assumed positive intent instead of negative?
This doesn’t mean being naive or ignoring real problems. It means questioning whether the narrative you’ve created is actually serving you or just creating unnecessary mental chaos.
The bottom line
These five questions have become my mental toolkit for achieving clarity and peace of mind. They’re not magic bullets, and I certainly don’t remember to use them every single time something bothers me. But when I do remember, the shift is remarkable.
The beauty of Stoic philosophy is its practicality. These aren’t abstract concepts meant for philosophical debate; they’re tools meant to be used in the messy reality of daily life. Whether you’re dealing with a difficult boss, a relationship challenge, or just the thousand small annoyances of modern life, these questions can help.
Start with just one question if five feels overwhelming. Pick the one that resonates most with you and practice it for a week. You might be surprised at how much mental energy you reclaim when you stop caring about things that, in the grand scheme of things, simply don’t matter.
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