One of the sweetest parts of getting older is seeing your children grow into adults with lives of their own. For me, it’s been a joy to watch my two sons build their families and careers, and even sweeter to spend time with my three grandchildren.
But I’ll be honest—this stage of life isn’t without its challenges.
When your kids are little, you’re the center of their universe. As adults, though, their lives are busy. They have jobs, spouses, children, responsibilities—and if we’re not careful, our own behaviors can either draw them closer or quietly push them away.
Over the years, I’ve seen friends wonder why their children don’t call or visit as much. Sometimes the reasons aren’t dramatic. They’re found in little patterns, habits, or blind spots that create distance.
If you want your children to keep showing up, both physically and emotionally, here are seven behaviors worth saying goodbye to.
1. Being overly critical
No adult child wants to feel like they’re still being graded every time they visit.
This is well backed up by experts. For instance, Jeffrey Bernstein, a parent coach and psychologist, has explained that parents who constantly criticize or dismiss their child’s feelings or achievements can cause lasting emotional harm, leaving their children feeling “inadequate and unvalued”.
That resonates with me. I remember how easy it was, when my boys were younger, to notice the things they did wrong before I praised what they got right. As adults, though, they don’t need my running commentary on their parenting choices, career paths, or financial decisions. They need encouragement, not nitpicking.
Ask yourself this: when your child walks away after spending time with you, do they feel lighter or heavier? If it’s the latter, it may be because criticism is drowning out connection.
2. Overstepping boundaries
It’s tempting, as parents, to believe we always know best. But there’s a fine line between showing love and crossing into territory that isn’t ours anymore.
As marriage and family therapist Sarah Epstein points out, “Boundaries go both ways, and parents and children may both feel resentment when the other violates their boundaries”.
I’ve learned this the hard way. Early on, when my eldest had his first child, I caught myself stepping in with unsolicited routines and rules. I thought I was being helpful, but he gently reminded me: “Mom, we’ve got this.”
And he was right. Overstepping—even with good intentions—can leave children feeling disrespected. Respecting boundaries means we’re invited into their lives, not barging in.
3. Taking care of everything for them
There’s a difference between being supportive and being smothering.
Many parents fall into the trap of doing too much for their adult children—paying bills, managing logistics, or solving problems that aren’t ours anymore.
While we may think we are helping, that’s not what the research says. Psychotherapist Amy Morin has shared findings from a study showing that college students with “helicopter parents” were more likely to take medication for anxiety and depression.
I suppose it makes sense. If children never get to stand on their own two feet, they may struggle with independence—and resent us in the process.
4. Jumping in to always give advice before understanding
I spent decades as a teacher, which meant giving advice was practically second nature. But in retirement, I’ve had to unlearn the reflex to jump in with answers the moment someone shares a problem.
The Stoic philosopher Epictetus put it best: “We have two ears and one mouth, so we should listen twice as much as we speak”.
That’s especially true with adult children. Often, they don’t want us to fix things—they want to be heard.
I think back to a conversation with one of my sons after he’d had a rough week at work. My instinct was to offer solutions. But when I simply listened, he relaxed. He didn’t need a lecture. He needed a safe place to let out his frustration.
Listening is one of the greatest gifts we can offer our children. Advice can wait.
5. Avoiding apologies
Some parents carry the belief that apologizing undermines authority. I see it differently. Apologies are not a sign of weakness—they’re a bridge.
I still remember the first time I apologized to my eldest after losing my temper. He was in high school, and I’d been too harsh about his grades. I pulled him aside and said, “I was wrong. I shouldn’t have spoken to you that way.” His eyes softened immediately.
Years later, he’s told me that moment meant more to him than any lecture I ever gave.
Apologies tell our children: “You matter more than my pride.” And that is what keeps doors—and hearts—open.
6. Expecting constant contact
This is one I’ve had to wrestle with myself. When you’ve poured decades into raising children, it’s hard not to miss the daily closeness once they leave home. But clinging too tightly—or expecting constant calls and visits—can backfire.
I’ve seen parents guilt-trip their kids: “You never call,” or “Don’t you care about me anymore?” Those comments don’t inspire connection. They create distance.
Instead, I’ve learned to celebrate the contact I do get, no matter how small. A quick video call from my grandkids, a short text from one of my sons—those moments matter. When children feel free rather than pressured, they’re much more likely to come around often.
7. Holding onto grudges
Families aren’t perfect. Old arguments, disappointments, and misunderstandings can build up over the years. But holding grudges—especially as we age—can quietly poison relationships.
I’ve seen friends replay decades-old hurts until they’ve created a wall between themselves and their children.
Forgiveness isn’t about pretending nothing happened. It’s about deciding the relationship is worth more than the resentment.
When I’ve chosen to let go of small offenses, I’ve noticed something beautiful: the atmosphere in our home shifts. My children feel safe, not judged. And safety is what makes them want to come back.
Final words
Our children don’t expect perfection from us. What they want, more than anything, is to feel respected, heard, and loved when they’re around us.
Letting go of criticism, boundary-crossing, over-helping, constant advice, pride, clinginess, and grudges isn’t always easy. But the reward is simple: warmer connections, more visits, and richer moments together.
After all, as I remind myself often, we don’t just want our children to come home—we want them to want to come home. And that begins with us.
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