People who sabotage good relationships often carry these 9 emotional wounds

I’ve watched smart, kind people turn thriving relationships into rubble.

Sometimes I was the one sweeping up my own mess.

If you keep finding inventive ways to push love away, you’re not doomed or defective.

You’re probably protecting an old injury that never had the dignity of proper care.

Today we’ll walk through nine of the most common wounds — and how they set off the silent alarm that tells you to sabotage something good.

1. Abandonment fear

If you grew up waiting for someone to leave, your nervous system learned that connection equals danger.

Partners who text back late ignite panic, and panic often disguises itself as pre-emptive rejection (“I knew you’d ghost me, so goodbye first”).

Research on attachment insecurity shows that anxious partners misread neutral events as threats and then act defensively, draining the bond in the process. 

A grounded routine — think breath-work, a short body scan, or just naming what you feel — calms the fear long enough to choose a healthier response.

That tiny pause is where trust grows.

2. Shame from chronic criticism

When childhood was a series of corrections, you learn to brace for judgment.

Even helpful feedback sounds like an attack.

To escape the sting, you might strike first: mock the other person’s tastes, nit-pick their plans, or joke that they’ll “find someone better.”

I recall reading Brené Brown’s reminder that “shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.”

Calling out your shame—literally saying, “I’m spiraling into not-enoughness right now”—exposes it to light, and shame hates daylight.

Mindful self-talk works wonders here: gentle, factual, no sugar-coating, just the truth that mistakes don’t cancel your worth.

3. Betrayal trauma

Infidelity, business backstabs, or a parent’s broken promise teach you that trust is foolish.

So you pre-empt future hurt by keeping one foot out the door, testing partners, or withholding real intimacy.

A study on relationship sabotage found that people with betrayal histories often set unconscious traps (“If they really loved me, they’d read my mind”) and then cite failed tests as proof that love is unsafe. 

Below are a few common traps you might recognize:

• Withholding needs and resenting your partner for not guessing them
• Flirting with others to spark jealousy
• Downplaying commitment (“We’re just hanging out”) even after months together

If one of these hits home, see it as a cue to name the underlying fear — not a reason to double down on the pattern.

4. Helplessness after control loss

Maybe a chaotic household or sudden life upheaval left you feeling powerless.

Now, any hint of unpredictability revs up your need to micromanage.

You choose partners who aren’t “good enough,” criticize their every move, and bail when they push back.

The remedy isn’t to force yourself to “just relax.”

It’s to rebuild a sense of agency in small, repeatable ways: daily exercise, keeping promises to yourself, or setting one clear boundary per week.

Tiny wins teach your body that control can live inside you, not over other people.

5. Emotional neglect

Some wounds come from what never happened — the hug not given, the feelings never mirrored.

Adults who felt invisible as kids often sabotage by disappearing emotionally themselves.

They stonewall, dismiss affection, or claim they’re “low maintenance” while yearning for deep connection.

According to a piece from the American Psychological Association, early neglect is linked to poor emotion regulation and social withdrawal later in life.

Learning to label sensations (“Warm chest, tight throat”) is a first lesson in self-validation.

You can’t share feelings you don’t recognize.

6. Fragile self-worth

When worth hinges on performance, love feels conditional.

A slip at work or a bad hair day triggers the thought, “They’ll leave when they see the real me.”

To protect against exposure, you pick fights, downplay compliments, or end things before someone witnesses your imperfections.

Mindfulness flips the script: instead of judging thoughts like “I’m unlovable,” you notice them pass by, clouds across a wide sky.

From that spacious view, you can accept support without choking on it.

7. Distrust of good fortune

Some of us grew up believing happiness invites disaster.

Joy felt fleeting, followed by the proverbial other shoe.

So when love feels calm and steady, you kick over the table just to get the crash over with.

Esther Perel once noted that “the quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives,” a gentle nudge that peace is not a setup — it’s a birthright.

Treat daily gratitude like weight training: reps build capacity to hold good things without flinching.

8. Unprocessed grief

Loss carves a valley inside, and if we don’t mourn, we fill the space with avoidance.

You might keep relationships shallow to dodge potential grief or lash out whenever a partner reminisces about their own losses.

Yoga philosophy treats grief as sacred space, not a stain.

Sitting with sorrow — even five mindful breaths — honors what was loved and signals to your nervous system that endings can be survived.

Only then do beginnings feel safe.

9. Residual guilt

Perhaps you cheated once, failed to protect a sibling, or feel guilty for leaving home.

Carrying that weight, you assume you don’t deserve healthy love.

Self-punishment comes disguised as picking unavailable partners or sabotaging when things get too sincere.

Newer research on self-handicapping in relationships shows that people use deliberate obstacles to justify anticipated failure, keeping guilt intact. 

Self-forgiveness isn’t condoning past harm; it’s acknowledging wrongdoing, making amends if possible, and then choosing growth.

Meditation on loving-kindness (metta) softens the inner critic enough to try.

Final thoughts

We’re almost done, but this piece can’t be overlooked: every saboteur behavior started as protection.

Respecting that origin story lets you retire it without shame.

Pick one wound that felt loudest today.

Devote a week to noticing when it flares, and practice the smallest calming tool you can stick with — a three-breath pause, a scribbled emotion wheel, a ten-minute walk.

Change thrives on consistency, not grand gestures.

I’ll be practicing alongside you, one mindful pause at a time.