I still remember sitting on my living-room floor, staring at a group chat that used to feel like home.
The jokes rolled in, the emojis piled up, yet something inside me stayed flat.
The closeness I once felt with these people had thinned, like tea reused too many times.
If you’ve noticed the same distance creeping into your friendships, stay with me.
Below are eight behaviors I’ve wrestled with—both in myself and in the people I love—that quietly erode intimacy.
I’ll unpack each one and share how I’m learning to meet friends where we both can breathe a little deeper.
1. You default to convenience over commitment
Friendship thrives on small, consistent acts of showing up.
When we choose the easiest option—liking a post instead of picking up the phone—we send a subtle message: “You’re background noise.”
I caught myself doing this last winter.
A close friend texted, “Call when you’re free,” and I replied with a heart emoji because I was exhausted after work.
Days slipped by.
By the time I finally called, she had learned big news from someone else.
The fix is rarely dramatic; it’s usually about putting friction back into the relationship in a good way.
Schedule the call.
Drive across town.
Let it cost you a little.
Investment signals care, and care deepens trust.
2. You keep conversations on the surface
Weather, work gripes, Netflix binges—safe topics lull us into thinking we’ve connected when we haven’t.
Deep friendship asks for texture: fears, hopes, contradictions.
If every chat feels like a polite hallway nod, decide to risk more.
Ask one question that makes you slightly nervous.
When they answer, stay silent long enough for a fuller truth to land.
I sometimes count to five in my head before speaking.
That micro-pause invites layers that shallow chatter can’t reach.
3. You treat friends like therapists without reciprocating
We all need a sounding board, but one-way unloading rusts the bond.
Emotional dumping can feel like intimacy in the moment, yet it drains goodwill over time.
Balance is key.
If a friend holds space for your meltdown, circle back later and ask how they are doing.
Reciprocity isn’t a scorecard; it’s a rhythm.
Without it, the friendship tips into caretaking and eventually collapses.
4. You avoid vulnerability because you fear judgment
Many of us carry old scripts that say, “If they see the messy parts, they’ll leave.”
The irony: hiding flaws makes closeness impossible.
One line from Rudá Iandê’s new book, Laughing in the Face of Chaos: A Politically Incorrect Shamanic Guide for Modern Life, jolted me awake:
“When we let go of the need to be perfect, we free ourselves to live fully—embracing the mess, complexity, and richness of a life that’s delightfully real.”
When I let that sink in, I realized my job isn’t to manage how friends perceive me.
My job is to show up whole.
Some will lean in, some will drift away, and that natural sorting frees energy for relationships that can handle truth.
5. You rely too much on digital touchpoints
Screens are bridges, not destinations.
When friendship lives mostly in memes and story reactions, depth suffers.
During a recent digital detox, I noticed how many connections depended on passive scrolling.
Here’s the audit I gave myself:
- Count how many friends I’d spoken to voice-to-voice in the past month.
- Notice which chats were just forwarded content with no personal check-in.
- Replace one weekly text thread with a short walk or video coffee.
A few intentional swaps revived conversations that felt all but lost.
6. You don’t celebrate their wins
Jealousy sneaks up in subtle ways: a tight smile, a rushed “Congrats!” before steering the talk back to yourself.
Celebrating a friend’s success is a muscle.
Strengthen it by asking detailed questions about their joy.
Write the congratulatory card.
Show up at their art show even if you’re not into modern ceramics.
When friends know you can hold their triumphs as warmly as their tears, intimacy deepens.
7. You set unspoken expectations and resent disappointments
I once simmered for weeks because a friend never thanked me for picking her up at the airport.
Did I tell her I wanted a thank-you?
No.
I assumed she’d read my mind.
Unspoken expectations are thin ice under a heavy truck.
State your needs kindly and early.
If a friend can’t meet them, decide whether to adjust your ask or your involvement.
Clear language keeps resentment from metastasizing.
8. You ignore your own growth
Friendship isn’t therapy, but it mirrors who we’re becoming.
If you neglect your mental, physical, or spiritual wellbeing, you carry that stagnation into every hangout.
My yoga mat has shown me that consistent self-tending spills into richer conversations and relaxed presence.
When I skip practice for weeks, I show up restless and half-listening.
Tend your own garden, and you bring fresh fruit to share.
As Rudá also reminds readers at The Vessel, reality morphs when we shift internally; the same friendships feel new because we are new.
Final thoughts
We’re almost done, but this piece can’t be overlooked: depth isn’t a mystery—it’s usually hiding in plain sight behind our habits.
Pick one behavior from the list and experiment for seven days.
Call instead of commenting.
Ask the braver question.
Celebrate out loud.
Notice how even small shifts invite friendships to breathe again.
That’s the quiet, daily work of keeping connections alive—and it starts with the next intentional step you take.
