When you’re thinking of breaking up it can be even worse than the actual breakup.
The first doubts creep in and the problems magnify. You may still have feelings for this person or you may not, but the idea of fully ending this relationship is keeping you up at night.
You begin seriously considering walking away but you aren’t 100% sure.
Could it be the wrong call? Could this be the biggest mistake of your life? Does this relationship still have life in it?
As Lana Del Rey sings, “there’s a war in my mind.”
Here’s what we all deal with when we think about breaking up…
1) “Is it really time to pull the plug on this relationship or can my partner change?”
This is the most basic question of all.
In some cases you might wonder if you can change as well in order to be more what your partner is looking for.
Either way the issue is simple but extremely hard:
Does the relationship have hope or not? Can one or both of you change and improve or are the issues and fights you have just going to get worse?
It’s not always easy to answer these questions, especially since none of us can see into the future.
2) “Is being single better, or will I feel lonely being on my own again?”
In the more general sense, you’re also going to be unsure about whether returning to singlehood is a good idea.
When you’re having relationship issues or the attraction has faded, it can feel like all you want is fresh air and to get out of these ties that bind.
But then, like a distant nightmare, you remember some of your lonelier times being single and you wonder if it’s really worth it. What if it happens again and you end up regretting being single?
On the other hand, if you stay in this relationship could you be taking yourself off the market and missing opportunities to meet somebody better?
This brings up the next internal conflict…
3) “Will I meet somebody else I like in the future or is this my last chance?”
This is a hard thing to know, and it can tear you up inside. When you’re thinking of ending a relationship you naturally want to know whether you’ll meet someone new.
If you’ve already met somebody new who you’re interested in, you may be conflicted about whether things will last or get serious with them.
The internal conflict comes from the unknown. The future could go any different direction, and you’re conflicted inside about whether to stick with the familiar or jump off and take this risk.
Should you just end things or put more into this relationship and save whatever is left?
4) “Can I reconcile my different goals for the future with my partner or is it a dealbreaker?”
If you and your partner have very different goals for the future then a common internal conflict is that you wonder if they can be reconciled.
Even though you both want different things, can your love survive?
You’ve likely already talked it over with your partner but still aren’t feeling sure.
It may be a new place, new career, spiritual paths diverging, different circles of friends and many other aspects of what you want out of life.
Is there a way to square this circle? Is your partner just going through a phase?
5) “Are the problems with me and my partner something we can resolve or are they permanent?”
Every relationship has its own set of problems. Some can be worked through, some can’t.
It’s a matter of what the problems are and whether both people are willing to talk about them and work on them.
If you’re thinking of breaking up, you’re wondering about whether the issues between you and your partner are permanent or not.
Are you overestimating how bad things are or overreacting to the last fight? Or are these issues just as bad as you think, if not worse?
Is it time to leave this sinking ship for good, or are you bailing out just when you could turn a corner and save the relationship?
The internal conflict rages…
6) “What’s going to happen with our kids, pets or shared possessions if we break up?”
On the practical side, there’s a lot of worry about what will become of your shared property.
If you have kids together, what’s going to happen to them? Everyone knows custody battles can be a nightmare and psychologically scar minors. Plus the legal costs are enormous.
Then there are pets, possessions you share, or living space that you may cohabitate.
The list of practical worries if you break up can be quite significant, and it can keep you on the fence about whether to really break up when you know it’s going to be a massive headache.
7) “How will other people react to this breakup and can I deal with it or is it better to give this relationship more of a chance?”
Worrying about how other people might react to your breakup is one of those things that can come out of left field.
But it’s especially common for this to happen if you share friends or colleagues with your partner and you know that a breakup will hurt them, too.
You find yourself thinking about how this will hit them and their own disapproval or potential sadness or anger over it.
Will this potentially divide you from other good friends and end connections you value?
Are you doing something that other friends have advised against and they’re right that you shouldn’t break up?
8) “Is this breakup going to cause me a mental and emotional breakdown or will I be able to deal with the pain?”
This question is very hard to resolve:
Even when you feel you’re leaning toward breaking up you wonder how much it’s going to hurt.
Past breakups have shown you that it’s not always predictable. Regrets do come and this could tear you up in ways that are worse than you expect.
You find yourself wondering if you’re thinking realistically or whether you’ll be hit with a wave of regret after parting ways.
On the other hand, could staying with this person lead you down an even worse road to depression and even worse trauma?
9) “Can I just put this decision off for now or is it better if I decide to break up or not as soon as possible?”
The last big internal battle faced when you’re thinking of a breakup is procrastination.
Can you just delay this?
To be quite honest this is often the most common choice that a person makes:
He or she goes through lots of the other tormented pain described in the earlier points but in the end finds a way to sleep or put it off for another day. Then one day it all becomes too much, leading to a fight or a breakup.
But if you find yourself thinking about putting it off, make sure you’re putting it off to truly think it over or bring up important talks with your partner rather than just delaying the inevitable or repressing it.
Struggling to Love Yourself? This Quiz Reveals Why and Shows You How
Do you sometimes feel unworthy, flawed, or not good enough? Like you’ll never measure up no matter how hard you try?
Most of us grapple with self-doubt and low self-esteem at times. And when we don’t love ourselves, it permeates everything – our relationships, our work, our inner peace.
But why is self-acceptance so hard? And how can we move from self-judgment to self-love?
That’s what this illuminating quiz dives into. It’s designed to uncover the specific barriers holding you back from embracing who you really are.
In just a few minutes, you’ll gain priceless insight into:
- The root insecurities driving your self-criticism
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- Ways you unconsciously sabotage your happiness
With this valuable self-knowledge, you’ll be equipped to start the healing process and develop true self-love.
Stop feeling plagued by not being enough. Take the quiz now to pinpoint what’s distorting your self-image so you can reclaim your sense of self-worth.
The first step is bringing awareness to the problem. The solution will follow.
