How empathetic are you?
It’s a question that’s worth asking, especially in a world so full of performative and fake empathy.
The amount of empathy we haven’t is about far more than being “nice,” or any cliche: it’s a bridge that connects us to others and builds professional and personal relationships.
Empathy can open up whole new worlds and connect us with people who we otherwise wouldn’t ever get to know.
Here’s a look at some phrases highly empathetic people often use. If you tend to say these things too, you can be certain your empathy level is high.
1) “How are you feeling about this?”
This is a very empathetic thing to say because it puts the ball in the court of the person you’re speaking to.
Instead of assuming anything, you check in with them about their emotions regarding what’s going on or regarding something you said.
It’s direct, it’s clear, and it’s open-ended.
“Unlike the type of questioning that conveys expectations of how they should feel, follow up with open-ended questions that instead allow them to share,” observes Shawn Chang.
2) “I’m here for you if you need to talk.”
This is another variation of the previous statement, because it leaves talking as one option without forcing it.
You make it clear that you’re available without pressuring anyone to speak to you or open up.
The ball is in their court and they can speak to you if they want or open up to any degree they wish.
Letting somebody know you’re there if they want to talk to you is a very empathetic move.
3) “I understand where you’re coming from.”
The heart of empathy is understanding.
At heart, empathy is about demonstrating common ground.
Even when you don’t know exactly how somebody feels, you can relate a time that you were in a similar position and how it felt.
This leads to a shared experience that makes the other individual feel less alone. This is especially powerful in a romantic relationship when one of you is going through a very tough time.
As licensed marriage and family therapist April Eldemire LMFT writes:
“Showing your significant other that you have the ability to understand their experience—whether it be hurt, pain, longing, frustration, or something else—and make them feel heard is the greatest gift you can give.”
4) “That must have been very difficult for you.”
This is an empathetic way to express solidarity.
It demonstrates that you’ve listened to what was said and you’ve also emotionally internalized it.
In other words you’re not just saying “wow, rough,” or “that’s crazy, dude.”
You’re actually taking the time to respond with care and attention, acknowledging how hard something was and how it must have been for this person to go through it.
5) “I appreciate you sharing that with me.”
Whenever a person opens up, they take a risk.
They take a chance that you won’t judge them, or at least that your judgment won’t be overly harsh or hurtful.
They take a chance that whatever they think, feel or have experienced will be something you can at least partly relate to or accept.
When you show appreciation for what was shared with you, you strengthen this bond of trust and encourage further sharing.
“When a friend or loved one shares something difficult with you, she is mostly looking for someone to listen,” notes Laura Click.
6) “Is there a way I can help?”
Empathetic phrases are about showing understanding and a real desire to assist.
When you indicate an openness to helping, it shows you’re a genuinely caring person.
This is not to say that you’re necessarily going to help or that you’re writing a blank check where the person can do anything they’d like.
7) “I’m truly sorry you’re going through this.”
This is a strong phrase of solidarity to somebody who’s going through a hard time.
It doesn’t necessarily offer a solution, but it does offer unreserved condolences.
Sometimes this is exactly what a person needs:
The realization that they’re not alone and that you really are sorry about what they’re going through and acknowledge how hard it is.
“Expressing empathy is something that takes personal energy, to connect within yourself to the pain or emotional feeling of another person,” notes therapist Alexa Bailey.
8) “So you’re saying that ____, correct?”
This is an empathetic thing to say because it asks for clarification.
Many misunderstandings and tensions occur as a result of assumptions. But you try your best not to assume.
Instead you ask for clarification and check that you’ve actually understood properly.
As a result you show that you’re truly listening and caring about how people feel.
As Chang advises:
“During the conversation, show that you are listening by asking questions that focus on how they are feeling…
By reiterating the reasons for why they are feeling the way they do, you can ensure that you understand the situation correctly, and you’re letting them know that their experiences are heard.”
9) “It sounds like you’re going through a lot.”
When a person is struggling they often feel very alone.
You try to lessen this, even if only a little bit, by letting them know that they’re not alone and that you recognize their struggle.
You understand they must be going through a lot and you empathize.
This also invites the person to open up more about what’s going on.
10) “I’m listening.”
Just letting somebody know that you’re listening is a powerful way to show solidarity and make a real difference in their life.
When folks are struggling they often feel unheard, like nobody has the time or patience for their pain.
But you’re not one of those people who’s too busy to listen:
You’re available and listening, and it’s not a burden for you, it’s a pleasure.
As the Conflict Expert observes:
“When you empathize with somebody, you recognise their experience without judging it, changing it or turning away from it.”
11) “You’re a strong person for going through all this and you’re going to make it.”
This is the kind of thing that very empathetic people say who are also very inspiring and encouraging to others.
You let people know that you believe in them as human beings and that you see their potential.
Not only will they survive, they’re going to thrive. You have their back and you assure them of that.
“Point out the strengths in their character, which can help them understand that they have the power to overcome what they are going through—without minimizing their experience,” encourages Chang.
12) “I’m here to support you in any way I can.”
This is another statement of solidarity and strong support.
You indicate that you’re around to offer support in any way you can.
You have their back, and you mean it.
Sometimes even just a small statement of solidarity can make a big difference.
“You’ll be amazed at how much impact a simple empathetic statement can make,” notes Eldemire.
13) “It’s okay to feel the way you do.”
Many times when people are struggling or have been abused or mistreated they do something very unfortunately:
They internalize the bullying and mistreatment and think there really is something wrong with them.
Even worse, this is often compounded by shame at their own reaction.
Not only is the situation upsetting them, but they also feel ashamed of their own reaction to the situation. Letting them know that their feelings are 100% valid is a power move that offers psychological security and support.
14) “I’m sorry for what happened and I am going to change.”
When you have made a mistake, you don’t run for cover or try to make all sorts of excuses.
There may be some valid excuses and relevant background to what happened, but you don’t focus on that.
You focus on your own part that you played and how you’re sorry for it and intend to make up for it.
“Empathy is mostly about actions,” explains the Conflict Expert.
“An apology is a good example of this as it requires changing one’s behavior in recognition of a person’s suffering.”
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