How to let go of your expectations of others when dating

Everyone is looking for that perfect person.

I’m sure you’d be happy to find someone who’s drop-dead gorgeous, well-off, wise, experienced, kind, funny, charming, entertaining, caring… you know, the whole package!

But imagine you missed out on that special someone because when they asked you out, they were wearing a shirt you didn’t like.

If only you could have looked past that shirt and seen the great person inside of it, you would have found what you were looking for!

This is the power that expectations can have over us.

We can allow what we want in a person and what we want to happen with them to actually block us from having incredible experiences.

So, how can you let go of your expectations of others when dating?

This journey starts with looking inward to identify what’s limiting you so you can learn to let go and trust in your ability to let things happen.

1) Don’t set time limits.

You’d be surprised how many set dating goals that are time-managed.

Things like, “If we don’t kiss by the second date, there’s probably no chemistry,” or “If he doesn’t introduce me to his friends after we’ve been together for a month, that’s it.”

But are these time limits really necessary?

Is it at all realistic to expect a relationship to evolve along a set schedule?

I think the question itself reveals the answer.

The truth is, everyone has their own different rhythm. Even though we can say that, on average, it takes this much time or that much time for something to happen in a relationship, there are always people who act faster and slower.

So you can ask yourself if it’s really all that important to rush things or expect them to happen at a certain time instead of just letting them happen naturally.

2) Focus on your own happiness.

One big expectation is that you’ll date people and find someone who will make you happy or complete you.

Thanks to romantic movies, generations of people have grown up thinking that this is what a partner is supposed to do for us.

So that’s what they go out looking for and expecting to find.

Well, it’s quite easy to see how this kind of thinking is flawed.

First off, if you’re unhappy before going into a relationship, why would you expect it to be the one thing in the world that can turn things around for you?

And second, what if both you and the other person are unhappy going in? Does it make sense that two unhappy people will be able to make one very happy relationship?

I don’t think so.

Rather than waiting for someone else to come along and fix you, you should focus on loving yourself.

Because the truth is that only you can create and be responsible for your happiness, especially if this happiness is going to be real and enduring.

3) Date several people.

It’s never a good idea to put all of your eggs in one basket.

It’s also not a great idea to pile all of your hopes onto one person you’re dating.

This puts a whole lot of pressure on them and might also make you bend and force them to fit into what you want.

That risks not letting them be themself but instead some sort of idealized fantasy version of your perfect person.

It’s not sustainable.

So, one way to take the pressure off is to date several people at once.

This can leave you more open to the wonderful elements of surprise and spontaneity, and you might just end up finding something in someone you never knew you were looking for.

4) Don’t go looking for a relationship.

I mean, not specifically.

Change your focus to thinking that you’re looking to meet people that you enjoy and who are interesting.

But you don’t have to go into dating with the idea that you must find a partner.

As soon as you remove this one expectation, you’ll find yourself able to relax more and really enjoy the experience of dating.

There’ll be far less pressure on you and the people you date, too.

5) Leave your ex out of it.

You know this is an important thing to let go of.

How would you like to be compared to the other person’s ex, with them reading down a checklist and giving you a score that’s better or worse than their old flame?

Doesn’t sound so nice, does it?

So why would you go into dating with the same attitude?

Forget what Adele said; you’re never going to find someone just like your ex, even if you wanted to, so stop trying.

6) Don’t push, and don’t rush.

The more you force things when dating, the less enjoyable it will be.

Be calm. Relax.

There’s no prize for Fastest Coupling and none either for forcing the other person to conform to your specifications.

Let them express themself and take the time to listen.

A connection might not happen right away, but sometimes, the deepest connections develop over time and in ways we never expect.

Common expectations when dating

What sorts of things constitute expectations when dating? What are some of the most common ones that people tend to set before their experiences?

Let’s divide these common expectations of others into two categories: characteristics and behavior.

Expectations of people’s characteristics:

She’ll be rich.

He’ll be beautiful.

They’ll love the same music as me.

She’ll share my interests. 

They’ll be great in bed.

He’ll be very accepting.

We’ll have the same religion.

They’ll be everything I need.

Expectations of people’s behavior:

She’ll be looking for commitment.

We’ll be on the same page with everything.

They’ll understand me completely.

He’ll want to have a family.

She’ll want love.

We’ll spend all of our time together.

We won’t ever fight.

They’ll give me 110%. 

These are some great expectations.

I think most of us want most of these things out of our relationships.

But should we be going into relationships with these expectations of others hanging over our heads and around their necks?

Or is the best way to set ourselves up for disappointment?

Why do we set expectations?

When we say “expectations,” we’re really talking about what we think we want and, in some ways, what we think we deserve.

The question, then, is how do you know what you truly want?

The origins of expectations

When we set our expectations, they’re so often based on things we see around us, things we envy, things other people have, and even things we’ve had in the past.

Media like TV, social media, and advertising are very good at telling us what we want, not asking us.

In fact, the entire field of marketing is based on the premise of getting people to buy things they don’t want by convincing them that they do want them.

We see other people portrayed as happy with the things and relationships they have, and that makes us think we’ll be happy with the same things, too.

But is this actually what we want?

What if we look at the people around us? Will getting the same things that they have make us happy?

There are few fatal flaws in this kind of thinking.

One is that we are different, so we should absolutely want different things.

Another is that we usually see only a superficial appearance of happiness. They have these things or this relationship, and they look happy. But we rarely learn the actual truth.

So, should we look to the past for what will make us happy now and in the future?

If you had a relationship in high school that was great, does that mean the same kind of relationship would be fulfilling for you now?

These examples are at the root of so many of our expectations, and so often, they can confuse us and stand in the way of our true happiness.

Realistic expectations

In life, it’s still important to have some kinds of expectations.

And it’s perfectly OK, healthy even, to have them as long as they are healthy expectations.

For example, going into any kind of interpersonal relationship, you might expect to be treated fairly and with respect.

If this expectation isn’t met, you’re going to be unhappy and justifiably so.

When we’re talking about letting go of your expectations when dating, it’s not the kind of thing we need to focus on.

Some things like respect, fairness, and decency are simply non-negotiable and should maybe be classified as obligations, not expectations.

Why you should let go of your expectations of others when dating

There are so many good reasons to let go of your expectations when you’re dating.

Any one of these reasons alone should be enough to make you want to check your expectations at the door, but together, they definitely make an ironclad case.

Nobody’s perfect

Shouldn’t we all set up lists of what we’re looking for in a partner and then cross people off quickly if they don’t hold any one of the attributes we’re looking for?

That would be so incredibly efficient and organized, right?

But who ever heard of love being that way?

Maybe you could have a small list of deal-breakers, things you simply could never stand in a relationship. If you came across a deal-breaker, you could use that to cut someone.

But it shouldn’t be the other way around.

Imagine if you held out for the all-or-nothing perfect person!

You’d definitely end up with nothing.

Real life trumps fantasy

Another reason to let go of your expectations is what they’re based on.

As we saw earlier, so many of our expectations can be superficial or have their basis in fantasy and not reality.

While there’s nothing wrong with a little bit of fantasy, you don’t want this to last, do you?

You don’t want your relationship to be based on something that’s not real because, at some point, the veil will be lifted and your illusion pierced.

And when that happens, you’ll see that the entire relationship was built like a house of cards that’s ready to tumble to the ground.

Imagine meeting someone who’s supremely hot, rich, successful, and really nice. What’s not to like?

The problem is that this person may have ticked all the boxes you set up on your list, but what about how they make you feel? What about connection, chemistry, fun, excitement, and all the other important building blocks of a relationship?

If you choose them just because of their stats, don’t be surprised if you later feel like there’s a whole lot missing.

It keeps the pressure off

Expectations create pressure, both for you and the people you’re trying to date.

When you set time limits for getting to different stages of intimacy, you can rush things and seriously damage the possible experiences you could have.

Imagine you expect to be invited back after at least the third date.

Would you just call it quits if that doesn’t happen? I mean, yeah, efficiency is great, and none of us are getting any younger, but isn’t that a little too rigid?

What if the person is otherwise really great, and you’ve been hitting it off perfectly?

Why risk all that just to stick to your arbitrary rules?

From their side, they will feel less pressure to perform rather than just to be themself if they feel you’re open and not in a hurry.

If you come into a dating scenario loaded with what you want, whether or not you tell the other person directly, they’ll still feel it. And they could be intimidated or even scared away despite actually having the potential to be a great match for you.

You risk missing out

If you think about the example of rejecting someone for wearing a bad shirt, you can understand why holding a lot of expectations can make you risk missing out on a good thing.

You might say that you’re not so superficial and would never scratch someone off your list because they’re a bad dresser.

But what would make you cross them off?

How about not being into the same activities as you or not having great financial stability?

We’re not so superficial anymore, but we’re still talking about setting expectations.

Here’s a personal example to illustrate this.

I met a woman at a club once. We hit it off, and I got her number.

We started dating, and things were going well, but at the same time, I was not doing well financially.

I’d left my job to pursue a new project with some partners, and we were still struggling, so money was pretty tight for me.

She, on the other hand, was doing well with work and wanted to go out to places I simply couldn’t afford then.

If she had expected me to be able to treat her or even to be well-off, she would have probably just moved on. She also wouldn’t have found out that my project was going to pay off big down the line.

Instead, she was open-minded and kept focused on how we made each other feel, which was excellent.

Lucky me, because she’s now my wife!

It takes away the joy

When you go on a date thinking only about what you want to get out of it, you’re missing out on a lot.

First and foremost, you’re probably missing out on what you can put into it to make things go well.

But you’re also missing out on the other important, no, crucial parts of dating.

Meeting new people can be one of the most exciting, titillating, and joyful experiences we get to have in life.

When there’s chemistry and that special spark there to ignite it, well, there’s really no better feeling.

But you’re in danger of missing it when your only focus is your expectations. You’ll go into it as though it’s a transaction and not an experience to be shared and enjoyed.

And trust me, being able to have this feeling of connection with someone is going to be far more important and long-lasting than liking the same music or having the right family background.

Are you ready to check your expectations at the door?

If you head into it with your heart and mind open, you’ll almost surely find dating to be a more fun, exciting, and fulfilling experience.

And you just might find something you never knew you were looking for.