Last Friday night, my husband and I ate leftovers on the floor, backs against the couch, phones in another room.
We weren’t celebrating anything. We just wanted to ask each other better questions than “How was your day?”
These small, unglamorous moments are where strong partnerships actually grow.
If you’re doing the ten things below, imperfectly and consistently, you’re building a relationship that can weather real life, not just the highlight reel.
Here’s how to spot that growth and keep feeding it.
1. Share the unfiltered daily download
Not the performance review of your day, the real version.
What you worried about. Where you felt proud. What you’re avoiding.
Use simple starters: “Something that energized me today…”, “Something that drained me…”, “One thing I’m not saying but should…”
When both people share like this, resentment doesn’t have dark corners to multiply in.
It also boosts emotional literacy, which makes conflict less explosive.
Before you move on, ask each other: What did you need today that you didn’t ask for?
2. Turn toward each other’s “bids”
A “bid” is any attempt to connect: a sigh, a meme, a brush of the hand, a “Look at this.”
When couples consistently respond to bids by turning toward rather than away, they build an emotional savings account that protects them in hard times.
This isn’t my theory; decades of research from the Gottman Institute have observed this pattern in thriving relationships (you can explore their overview on turning-toward behaviors here).
No one nails this 100%. Your win is improving your ratio.
Try tracking one evening a week: How many bids did we notice? How many did we meet?
3. Fight fair, and finish the fight
Strong couples don’t avoid conflict.
They repair faster. They also respect nervous systems.
If either of you is “flooded” with a spiking heart rate and racing thoughts, agree to pause for 20 to 30 minutes and come back.
Put a time on the calendar if needed.
What helps you both stay out of attack and defend mode?
- Use “When X happened, I felt Y, and I need Z.”
- Stick to one topic at a time.
- Name what you’re each responsible for.
- End with a small next step, not a grand promise.
That’s your one bullet list for today, use it as a script the next time you’re stuck.
4. Create micro-rituals that are honestly doable
Grand gestures are rare.
Micro-rituals are daily and therefore powerful.
- A three-minute coffee check-in.
- A hug that lasts a full breath.
- A “phones face down at dinner” norm.
- A song you always put on while cleaning.
When you design rituals that fit your reality, you teach each other, “We matter enough to make room.”
Ask yourselves: Which five minutes of our day can we reclaim together?
5. Share responsibility like grown-ups, not scorekeepers
There’s nothing romantic about partnership if one person is secretly a parent to the other.
Strong couples build systems for the boring stuff: bills, laundry, meal planning, pet care, in-laws.
We use a rotating “owner” system at home. Whoever owns a task doesn’t have to be reminded, and the other doesn’t micromanage.
If you’re defaulting to stereotypes, experiment with trade-offs for a month.
Swap cooking for finances.
Landscaping for planning travel.
Let competence grow where convenience has been running the show.
6. Invest in each other’s inner worlds
You don’t need to be identical to be aligned.
You do need curiosity.
Ask about each other’s changing beliefs, stressors, friendships, and ideas.
I keep a note on my phone called “His World,” which holds books he wants to read, projects he’s mulling, and anxieties he hasn’t solved yet.
He keeps one for me.
As Harvard’s Robert Waldinger reminds us, “Close relationships, more than money or fame, are what keep people happy throughout their lives.”
That line comes from the world’s longest study of adult development, and it still humbles me to read it (Harvard Gazette).
So, what’s one new detail about your partner’s inner life you can learn today?
7. Make repairs that land
“I’m sorry” isn’t a repair if the other person can’t feel it.
Effective repair has three parts: name the impact, own your part, and describe what you’re changing.
If it’s a big rupture, ask how you can rebuild trust in measurable ways.
When I’ve messed up, I’ll say, “I see how that made you feel dismissed. I’m not going to answer work texts at dinner this week. Let’s review how that felt on Sunday.”
That last sentence, agreeing to review, turns good intentions into accountability.
8. Keep desire alive by expanding the container
Desire doesn’t thrive on autopilot.
It likes freshness, attention, and a nervous system that isn’t fried.
Schedule intimacy without making it boring, think “window for connection” rather than “appointment for sex.”
Flirt on purpose.
Share fantasies safely.
Take turns initiating.
Also, tend your individual aliveness.
When each person stays connected to their own body, creativity, and friendships, the relationship feels more spacious and magnetic.
If you’re both depleted, desire will feel like another task, not a playground.
9. Grow through discomfort, together and separately
Growth brings discomfort.
Couples who get stronger normalize that.
They experiment, get feedback, and keep what works.
Recently I devoured Rudá Iandê’s newly released book, Laughing in the Face of Chaos: A Politically Incorrect Shamanic Guide for Modern Life.
Rudá is the founder of The Vessel, and his insights nudged me to question a few “relationship rules” I’d absorbed without noticing, especially the idea that harmony means never disappointing each other.
One passage hit me squarely in the chest: “When we stop resisting ourselves, we become whole. And in that wholeness, we discover a reservoir of strength, creativity, and resilience we never knew we had.”
I’ve been practicing this by naming my fear out loud before big decisions and letting my body weigh in, more breath and less performance.
How might your relationship change if you both treated discomfort as a teacher rather than an alarm?
10. Build a shared rhythm, and protect it
Strong couples move through the week with a sense of rhythm.
Not rigid routines, but a predictable cadence that supports attention and rest.
We run on a Sunday planning session, two solo nights for our own projects, one friend night, one date window, and one lazy morning where we let the day tell us what it wants.
Protecting rhythm requires boundaries.
- Say no to some invitations.
- Close laptops.
- Make space for quiet.
When your life has a pulse, your relationship does too.
Final thoughts
Before we finish, there’s one more thing I need to address.
Strength isn’t the absence of struggle.
It’s the willingness to stay in the arena, curious and honest and on the same side, especially when the stakes feel personal.
If you take only one action this week, choose a five-minute ritual you’ll start today and keep for a month.
Put it on the calendar. Name it together.
Let it be small enough to survive a bad day.
And if you want a push to shed the rules you’ve inherited, Rudá Iandê’s book I mentioned earlier is a bracing companion.
Even if you disagree with parts of it, you’ll come away questioning the scripts that don’t serve you, and that alone can strengthen the way you love.
