Last winter my husband and I started a Saturday ritual: yoga mats on the living room rug, ten slow breaths, then coffee in mismatched mugs on the balcony.
Nothing dramatic.
But somewhere between the breaths and the coffee, things softened. We weren’t having fewer disagreements, we were just recovering faster.
That’s when I noticed the truth most couples miss: strength doesn’t always look like fireworks or grand gestures. Often, it’s quiet, steady, and easy to overlook.
Here are ten subtle signs that your relationship is deepening right now—plus a few practical ways to nurture what’s already working.
1. You repair faster after disagreements
Strong couples don’t avoid conflict; they repair it.
You notice you’re both quicker to say, “I overreacted,” or “I get why that hurt.” Apologies land.
Tension dissolves in hours rather than days. You may still feel prickly after a heated conversation, but neither of you wants to “win”—you want to reconnect. That motivation alone is growth.
A helpful nudge: after the dust settles, agree on one tiny change you’ll both try next time. Keep it specific and behavioral, like “Let’s pause for 60 seconds before replying if voices rise.” Small repairs compound.
2. Daily “bids” are being met more often
A bid is any attempt to connect—a comment about the weather, a gentle touch on the arm, a meme you send at lunch.
When your relationship strengthens, you start turning toward these bids. You look up from your phone. You smile back. You answer the text.
Research from The Gottman Institute has long highlighted how consistently responding to bids predicts relationship stability and satisfaction (see their overview of the positive-to-negative interaction ratio).
You don’t need to nail it every time—just more often than not.
Practice: for one week, silently track three bids a day and your response. Are you turning toward, turning away, or turning against? The awareness alone will shift the pattern.
3. You feel safe being ordinary together
In the early days, we try so hard to be interesting. As bonds deepen, “interesting” takes a back seat to “real.”
You can spend a Friday folding laundry and still feel close. You share the unfiltered parts of your day—the boredom, the off-mood, the awkward conversation at work—without fear it will be used against you later.
Safety in the ordinary is intimacy’s favorite soil.
This doesn’t mean your relationship is dull. It means the pressure to perform is slowly evaporating. That’s relief, not loss.
4. Your routines are becoming shared rhythms (without becoming rules)
You naturally sync on a few anchors—when you eat dinner, how you start Sundays, what winding down looks like.
These rhythms make life gentler, especially in busy seasons, but they don’t become rigid rules. You can break them when needed without guilt. In my home, shared rhythms freed up energy for bigger conversations, because the basics no longer required negotiation.
Here’s a quick menu you can borrow (bullet points, once and done):
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One weekly “state of us” check-in (20 minutes, phones down)
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A post-work decompression window (15 minutes alone before reuniting)
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A micro-ritual for reconnection (a hug that lasts a full exhale)
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A Sunday sync on logistics (meals, money, who needs what)
Try one. Let it evolve.
5. You argue about real issues, not just logistics
When a relationship is fragile, fights often orbit surface topics: dishes, text tone, the correct way to load the dishwasher. As the bond strengthens, you’re both willing to name the need under the complaint.
“I want to feel included in decisions.”
“I need reassurance when you travel.”
“I’m overwhelmed by the budget.”
This shift toward root-level honesty is a powerful sign of growth. It means you trust the container enough to put something real in it.
6. You celebrate each other’s good news—out loud
It sounds obvious, but many couples miss this. When your partner shares a win, do you light up, ask follow-ups, and share pride? Or do you nod and move on?
Psychologists call the first pattern “active-constructive responding,” and it’s strongly linked with relationship satisfaction and trust.
You don’t need a parade. A genuine “Tell me everything” goes a long way.
We started texting each other a single line: “What’s one good thing today?” It turned into a playful habit—and it keeps our attention on each other’s growth, not just our to-do lists.
7. You’re more curious than defensive
Defensiveness is a natural reflex, especially when we feel misunderstood.
In stronger seasons, you’ll notice a shift from “That’s not what happened” to “Say more—I want to understand what you felt.”
Curiosity doesn’t erase accountability; it makes it possible. When both people can hold their own experience while staying open to the other’s, the dynamic stops being me-versus-you and becomes us-versus-the-problem.
That’s a quiet but profound reframe.
8. You’re growing as individuals—and sharing the overflow
A healthy relationship isn’t a merger; it’s two full lives in collaboration.
You’re reading, training, resting, creating—whatever feeds you—and you bring that energy home.
Couples often thrive when they feel they’re “self-expanding” through the relationship—discovering new perspectives and skills together and on their own.
If you’ve both picked up a new interest this year—or supported each other’s solo pursuits without resentment—that’s a quiet green flag.
9. You handle differences with more respect (and less urgency)
Maybe one of you is a minimalist and the other is a sentimentalist. One wakes up at dawn, the other at nine.
In earlier stages, these differences feel like threats. With time, you learn to protect each other’s preferences without trying to convert them.
In my marriage, choosing not to have children has created important conversations with family and friends. Respecting our differences with the world—and holding the line together—has made us sturdier as a team.
Less urgency to change each other; more commitment to listen and adapt.
10. Your bodies are an ally, not an afterthought
Connection isn’t just talk. Stronger relationships often come with a renewed sensitivity to the body’s signals—yours and your partner’s.
A hand on the back during a tense moment. A shared walk after dinner. Ten minutes of morning stillness.
These aren’t luxuries; they’re maintenance. When I catch myself in a mental spiral, my practice is to come back to breath, then share what I notice without drama: “My chest is tight. I think I need a pause and a hug.”
As noted by shaman and Vessel founder Rudá Iandê in his new book, Laughing in the Face of Chaos: A Politically Incorrect Shamanic Guide for Modern Life, “When we let go of the need to be perfect, we free ourselves to live fully—embracing the mess, complexity, and richness of a life that’s delightfully real.”
His insights reminded me to let go of perfect communication and trust the body’s wisdom in the moment.
I’ve mentioned this book before because it keeps nudging me toward wholeness—not just in marriage, but in how I meet every day.
Before we finish, there’s one more thing I need to address…
Strength can be quiet, but it’s not passive. If you recognize even a few of these signs, don’t coast. Feed what’s working.
Here’s how to keep the momentum going this year:
Name the repairs that worked. “Yesterday, when you asked for a pause, that helped me respond better.” Reinforce what you want to see again.
Upgrade your “bid literacy.” Notice your partner’s unique ways of reaching for you—sarcasm, questions, memes, shoulder bumps—and respond with warmth.
Protect your shared rhythms. Treat your check-ins and micro-rituals like calendar VIPs. When you miss one, reschedule—not out of guilt, but because it makes life easier.
Invest in each other’s growth. Ask, “What are you learning right now?” Share resources. Offer practical support: time, space, encouragement.
Return to the body. When conversations get tangled, step away, breathe together, or take a short walk. Let your nervous systems reset so your words can be kinder.
None of this requires perfection. It asks for attention, care, and the humility to start small—again and again.
Final thoughts
Relationships rarely transform in cinematic ways. Most of the time, strength arrives quietly—through a softened tone, a timely repair, a hand that reaches for yours in the dark.
If you can feel that steadiness growing this year, honor it. Keep turning toward the bids. Celebrate the good news out loud. Choose curiosity when you can. And let your body help you come home to each other.
If you want a provocative companion for this season, Rudá Iandê’s Laughing in the Face of Chaos offers a fierce reminder to question inherited scripts and to live from your own center.
The book inspired me to strip away more shoulds and lean into what’s actually true in my marriage. Take what serves; leave the rest.
You don’t need louder love. You need truer attention.
And you’re already building it—one quiet choice at a time.
Just launched: Laughing in the Face of Chaos by Rudá Iandê
Exhausted from trying to hold it all together?
You show up. You smile. You say the right things. But under the surface, something’s tightening. Maybe you don’t want to “stay positive” anymore. Maybe you’re done pretending everything’s fine.
This book is your permission slip to stop performing. To understand chaos at its root and all of your emotional layers.
In Laughing in the Face of Chaos, Brazilian shaman Rudá Iandê brings over 30 years of deep, one-on-one work helping people untangle from the roles they’ve been stuck in—so they can return to something real. He exposes the quiet pressure to be good, be successful, be spiritual—and shows how freedom often lives on the other side of that pressure.
This isn’t a book about becoming your best self. It’s about becoming your real self.
